THREE, TWO, ONE... Don't Be In L.A.!

I have done New Years in San Francisco, New York, Vegas, EVEN F'IN ZAMBIA... but if I had to DROP A BALL on one city during New Years... IT WOULD HAVE TO BE LOS ANGELES! LA sucks for NYE...

1) It's a transient city, and due to the holidays, most of the people who don't have family here have to go home for Christmas or Hanukkah. They end up stayin' 'til after the New Year. Sucks for me, cause most of the best people you're gonna find in this cesspool of vanity and douchery are from out of town!

2) It's a driving city, AND PEOPLE LIKE TO GET DRUNK! So how are they gonna get around? You are asking for a DUI if you drive on NYE in LA. Check points are every two blocks, but your BFF, who is still in town, is having a GOD-DAMNED PARTY IN SILVERLAKE, It's not an option if you live in GOD-DAMNED VENICE... Screw you gluttonous landowning prospecting mid-19th century settlers! Your greed 250 years ago has made me have to chance a possible DUI for a good time more than I'd like to divulge! You shoulda built upwards not outwards, assholes!

3) It's a city with too many other options. Hey let's do Vegas! or Gas Lamp District should be poppin'!, Phoenix is only 4 hours away..., FUCK IT: WE'RE DOING LSD IN YELLOWSTONE!!! LA is so perfectly centralized to cool shit (once again I curse you early foresight having settlers!) that no one is around on the champagne poppin' extravaganza that is New Years!

4) It's a money making city! Everyone is charging for something on the 31st of December.

Mansion party $150, then come to find out that it's more of a highfalutin townhouse and the "open bar" was CLOSED at 10:30!

Local bar/pub $40, Hey that's cool we'll just go to O'Malley's or Barabara's Bar Bar. Then at the door you're hit up for cash, "Jimmy I've puked, shat, and pissed in your bathrooms more times than I care to recount and now you're hittin' me up for dough? THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE PUKE, SHIT, AND PISS!"

In SF and NY we could walk around and be invited into random homes to join the festivities, but LA is a skittish red-headed rape victim of a city! Most people don't say hi or even welcome you into their place of business let alone their home... which brings me to a sad reality.

HEY UMBUTO, WHAT'S POPPIN' IN THE SUB-SAHARA, SON?!

Gay Guilt...

If you read my blog about the (I can't believe I'm saying this) HIT MOVIE "The Blindside" I talked about White Guilt. Simply put, it's when white people overcompensate in there interactions with blacks (and minorities, in general) due to feeling bad about what (in general) there grandaddies did to our grandaddies... I SUFFER FROM SOMETHING I CALL, GAY GUILT!

Growing up in San Fran and a large gay population made me want to appreciate gay culture. Growing up in San Fran and a large homophobic population made me really good at finding degrading euphemisms for anal sex. Due to this paradox I find myself wanting gays to like me, not just wanting, actually YEARNING WITH THE PASSION OF CHRIST, that gay dudes think I'm cool. I find myself using my free time BONING UP (rimshot... not rim-job, rim shot) on things gays dudes like: So You Think You Can Dance, Celebrity Gossip, and specialty vodka drinks with purreed berries, all so I can have those little points of reference, that seem like throw-away lines, but are actually calculated nuances that show gay dudes that, "I'm one of the good ones!"

At a recent party I surveyed the room and caught a couple flamers in my cross-hairs, BAM, I rush over to stand near them. I ear-hustled, waiting, wishing, hoping, for that perfect opportunity!

Gay dude #1, "Oh my god, it's my favorite show right now!"

Gay dude #2, "The one when they get the Santa Claus fired was HIL-arious!"

GREENLIGHT!

I found myself quickly turning around and saying, "Yeah, Modern Family is the best written show on TV right now!"

YES! These two are now in my gay wheelhouse (not to be confused with a euphemism for anal sex, see, I told you I was good at it).

I don't know why I do it, and what is the true reaction from my gay prey, but I'm usually greeted with a smile and a "Yeah, I know, right?"

I feel good, in some sheepish way, that I, much like Scott Bakula, have the opportunity to put right what once went wrong in my high school hallways back home. For instance, I used to utter subtle good mornings like this: "Hey butt-bungler! Is that gel in your hair? Or did your boyfriend spray some jizz in it!" Or "Hey fag-atron did you get your 'oil checked' last night (wink, wink)?"

Who knows how many of my friends were closeted... or had a cousin who was... or a both parents who were... Now that I'm a teacher, I know I could have been offending half the faculty and staff with hate filled words on a constant basis! So now I find myself... walking the long long road of redemption... one homosexual at a time... wish me luck... and send your gays my way for a good time!

P.S. My all time favorite anal euphemism is still, "Hey queer, I heard your favorite cartoon is, TAIL SPIN (pelvic thrust) get it, get it!?!"

A Letter to All USC Fans...

Well we had a good run! 7 years of Pac-10 dominance, 1 1/2 National Championships, and 3 Heismans is nothing to scoff about... By the way, how does one scoff? Is it like a cough with a scowl... but I digress, like all dynasties it comes to an end.

Look at The Miamis, Nebraskas, and Oklahomas... all dominant programs that turn-over finally eroded to mediocre teams at best. In the case of SC, it's turn-over and then some... after losing Norm Chow things were still top shelf in south central, but now that Nick Holt, Lane Kiffin, Sark, and Pat Rhuel are gone the coaching product is diluted. My question isn't why did they leave, most can agree Pete's domineering personality and need for total control is a factor. But my question is, what are we left with? A BUNCH OF CAROLL SLACKIES! We have a bunch of "yes" men that take the brunt of the bad call blame, and NEVER CHALLENGE CZAR PETE! Bates takes the blame for bad play calls in loses... shit he even took the blame for the UCLA tack on touchdown that all the cry-baby fucla douches were bitching about.

Pete has said in loses that "we over-schemed" and got beat. It was well known that when Norm was here it was about simplifying the playbook and adjusting at the half. Now we have stubborn "over" game-planing and recruiting injury prone studs. On defense we can't fill a lane to stop a running quarterback, we have showboating underclassmen that have no discipline (look at our penalties over the last 4 years), and a freshman quarterback that has never won a big one (and has thrown 30 interceptions in the last 2 years)! Pete was cocky enough to start a freshman quarterback simply because he wanted to give everyone who doubts him a big FU! I'M FUCKING PETE CAROLL, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! And yes, after the Ohio State game I thought, "holy shit I was wrong, Pete did it again." Now I'm wondering why the fuck are we wasting scholorships on Mustain and Corp if they will never play? Why is Pete washing Barkley's nuts too the point of saying, "he is just as good as any quarterback we've had here!" Palmer, Lienart, and Sanchez were players... Barkley is a kid in over his head with little to no leadership qualities (as of now).

Well at least there is that Emerald Nuts bowl to look forward to! OH WAIT, our guy's egos are fluffed bigger than John Holmes' wang! Pete has taught them to stay loose (84 penalties for 761 yards) and have a swagger like The U (watch that 30 for 30 movie). So when you get a disappointing season, how do these kinds of kids react... LIKE SPOILED BRATS! USC GAVE UP AT ARIZONA". " (<- This is my attempt at a point blank) Our kids didn't care cause we now have pissy prima-donnas, who don't feel like they are playing for anything... I guess pride isn't anything of importance.

Pete has said that the Emerald Bowl is the start for the 2010 season... he's blowing smoke up our asses and the only way SC will win is if the ACC is as bad as we think it is. Normally the school of thought here is, we're going to be angry so look out, but after watching a mediocre Zona team march down the field on us, and we answer the call with a mouse fart, I can't be too enthusiastic about our desire to win a middle of the pack bowl game against a team no one has even seen... Sadly, it greatly depends on what Pete can muster out of a beaten team. We aren't going to get any better until we actually aggressively acquire strong minded coordinators on both sides of the ball that will change the entitled culture of a once dominant team...

Chill Out On The Asians!

It is an unwritten rule that everyone can make jokes about their own race, to others in their race... but you're a bigot if you make fun of someone outside of your race... except if your talking shit about ASIANS that is.

After watching several politically incorrect cartoons and seeing people crack up when Clint Eastwood called a kid a "slope" in Gran Torino... I have finally noticed something, Asians are an easy go-to for a laugh, but why?

I have several humble opinions on the matter.

1) I was the funny token black guy in an Asian clique back home in SF. I was co-signed by one of this one dude I went to school with, and there by allowed to make jokes about all of them when we all hung out. Plus I'm mixed, so I could joke about black folks... or whites... even latinos... BUT NOT MIDDLE-EASTERNS, cause I'm not one, and they're kinda scarier than white folks in the south at this point... But I digress, during this time I learned that not a lot of people know about Chinese, Japanese, or Korean culture (not to mention some people don't even know what the fuck a Laotian even is). This leads to stereotyping based on glances at the culture. So you get classics like people slanting their eyes or simply saying CHING CHONG CHING CHING...

2) Part of the reason people don't know a lot about Asian cultures is the fact that they are very "clique-ish". Either they are a Banana (yellow on the outside, White on the inside) that only hangs out with whites and don't "own" their culture. F.O.B. (fresh of the boat) and only hang out with other people from their homeland. Or worse yet Azian, so anti-F.O.B. that they are an eclectic mix of the annoyingly generic aspects of hip-hop culture, and hang out with other douches that do the same. Yes, they're always exceptions to this, but the fact that several variations of these stereotypes exist makes it hard for other Americans to learn about these people.

3) Not a lot of people grow up with people of Asian decent. I was lucky enough, but most other people don't take the time to leave their little comfortable box and talk to Asian kids. So if you hang around people who aren't Asian and you make fun of them everyone can laugh at the expense of the someone who isn't in the room. NO HARM NO FOUL, in most peoples opinions.

4) Lastly, they talk funny, look different, but most of all THEY ARE UN-INTIMIDATING... you make fun of Blacks (in a large enough forum) and Sharpton and Jackson could knock on your door... or (in a smaller forum) you get your ass kicked. If it gets around that you make fun of Jews, you don't get work. If you make fun of Latinos, you can very easily get stabbed to death in an alley. WHAT THE FUCK IS A CAMBODIAN GONNA DO? Name 1 great civil rights activist that was Asian? Asians are generally seen as more docile, so they get the shit piled on.

5) But is the shit always bad? OH WOW, you are good at math, that's way better than people thinking you're going to rob them or that you're cheap. Oh, and the language thing, I did a Thai accent during a stand-up gig for a bunch of Jamaican people once, and it killed... and the whole time I thought, "MOTHA FUCKAS YOU CAN BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH YOURSELVES!" Chalk it up to the double-standard of society, I guess. Oh, but I know what your thinking right now... "what about the stereotype that Asians can't drive, that's negative!?!" No... no it's not a negative stereotype... it is actually a statistically proven occurrence and therefore not stereotypical at all. THANKS FOR READING!

TV Killed The Movie Star!

I'd never thought I'd say this after 1996, but TV is better than movies!

I thought it could never get better than Scott Bakula putting right what once went wrong and Zach Morris making right what he fucked up in the first place... but with the new line ups of Modern Family, It's Always Sunny, Curb, and Community it has happened again, the TV RENAISSANCE!!!

Comedy is dead in film, The Hangover was an exception, if you want funny you go to the boob tube, if you want boobs you go to the internet. Zombieland was Shawn of the Dead for pompous ass americans who didn't see Shawn of the Dead and Couples Retreat should of just re-shoot Weekend At Bernie's and changed the name.

Even the shitty suspense thrillers don't match up to Lost, Fringe, or (yes I know it's cheesy and contrived, but still better than suspense in most films) Flashforward. TV has earned so much cred I have even left room on my TiVo for a piece of excrement like V. Take that 2012, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and The Box!

Even stupid reality shows like Tough Love, Tool Academy, and The Pick-up Artist are more fun compared to The Ugly Truth, Transformers: Rise of the Crap Monsters, or Land of the Lost.

All in all, my netflix dvds of Sliders season 1-4, Dinosaurs, and Eerie Indiana have been removed from my que because I GOTS SOME TELE TO GET THROUGH! If you aren't watching you're as unpatriotic as a Keith Oblerman fan.

p.s. just watched Cougartown and it's the worse show ever created on the face of the earth...

The Dirty South Is SULLIED!

Sorry for not updating but I've have spent the last couple days in New Orleans... my first time in the south... FUCK THE SOUTH... I think it's because I have experienced that nice covert racism in the subtext shadows in lovely California, but it sucks to get stared at when walking down the street with your girlfriend of another race. What year is it down here?

1) Their are no ass-gaskets for the shitters... I know if I'm going to get Hepatitis I'm gonna get it, but at least give me the comfortable illusion that this thin piece of recycled paper will protect me from crotch rot!

2) WAY TOO MANY BLACK BUS BOYS! It bothers me when an older black dude picks up my plate and says a, "Y'all done, sir!" I wanna say no just to make the white server come back and pick it up.

3) I start thinking about the black folks here, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE FUCK OUT! It's one of those things where you want to grab the bus boy and say you can be better than this house nig white jacket wearing patsy. But then I have to understand there is a reason why the black folks who left... left and the ones who didn't... didn't, but from growing up in Cali it's hard to just let it go.

4) Bourbon St. is white trash central, if it was a radio station it would be hits of the 70's and 80's... Eagles, Bon Jovi, and Journey! A couple young people are scattered in, but it's awkwardly old and generic...

5) No one cards... maybe girlfriend and I are officially old, but damn! I never saw anyone carded... maybe that's the white trash aspect in practice money is money young or old!

6) Food is the ultimate equalizer no matter how awkward I felt walking around or listening to music... when everyone ate, EVERYONE ATE! The fattening, gluttonous, and indulgent food options are SOOOOOO GOOOD! It's the only time I'm wasn't stared at or whispered about, good food brings us all together...

ALL IN ALL, IF YOU AIN'T FROM THE SOUTH DON'T GO THERE... NOTHING FOR YOU THERE, EXCEPT GOOD FOOD...

The Challenge...

As a demonstration of strength, courage, and social examination I will engage in a quest! Much like the Knights during feudalism or Kevin Bacon in "The Air Up There" I will do what few like me have ever done before. I have been challenged to... give FOX NEWS a chance...

Mind you I am a 20 something tri-racial male from San Francisco... I don't even know what channel, if any, it's on... but I for the next three days will ONLY GET MY NEWS FROM FOX NEWS CHANNEL (and/or their online contingent)!

I always thought to myself yeah, I love Dennis Richmond and Leslie Griffith from KTVU Fox Channel 2 (as a kid growing up), but I don't get how Fox News Channel turned into a totally different animal! I then thought to myself how bad could it be the same channel that brought me The World's Craziest Car Chases and In Living Color can be that far right... RIGHT?

And yes, I have watched bits and pieces of Fox through the eyes of Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow, but I want to just see what the world looks like through their eyes, if only for a weekend... What's the worst that could happen... hopefully some seeds for the funny tree!

Tell you about it Monday you dirty sandbaggin' liberals you!

Left 4 Dead 3: San Francisco

While scouring the blogishpere I found out that Valve Entertainment released these specs...

The 4 Characters

De'Quan James 25 year old black male, was bangin' a broad in the city so he took the BART in from Oakland THEN OH' SHIT, THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE JUMPED OFF!

Dat Nguyen 30 something SFPD cop and Deep Space Nine enthusiast, OFF DUTY MY ASS, THEY'RE ZOMBIE'S A COMIN'!!

Brigg Mason a 40 year old lesbian truck driver who has an affinity for melee weapons, THIS TRUCKER IS 10-8 FOR ZOMBIE 187!!!

Frank Dunderby 23 year old Berkeley sociology grad student, parents were hippies, thinks people should be more politically correct, and hates the death penalty... but all bets are off after those Zombie bastards ate HIS FAVORITE BARISTA AT PETE'S ON SHATTUCK!

The 4 Scenes (including the tag lines on the posters)

1) Organic Food Co-op "What's more organic than BRAINS!"

2) Fisherman's Warf "The Seals say, ARF ARF ARF. The Zombie's say BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS!

3) Golden Gate Bridge "Is this a bridge to nowhere? NOPE, It's the Bridge to BRAINS!!!"

4) The Power Exchange (gay bath house) "IT'S RAINING MEN! AND THEY EAT BRAINS!!!!"

Bonus Survival Modes

Hippie Haute "I Ashbury-HAIGHT these damn ZOMBIES!"

Sound Mind, Dead Bodies - Don't disturb the tai-chi zombies or "This little walk in the park will be anything but!"

New Specialty Zombies

Grave Raver - Decked out in clothing so baggy you better nail him with a head shot or he's just going to keep coming... plus he's probably on drugs.

Unhomed Undead - Avoid this tenderloin bum turned zombie pisses acid and shits fire... which were actually things he did before he turned into a zombie... plus he's probably on drugs.

The Queen - Pretty much the same as before except now it looks more like a dude in a prom dress... oh yeah and it's on drugs.

The Burnouts - Specific to the Haight-Ashbury and Food Co-op levels, they literally light on fire and run in all different directions... HELL YEAH THEY'RE ON FUCKIN' DRUGS!!!

Don't get Blind Sided by this crap...

Thank God for white women!

In the new Sandra Bulluck movie "The Blind Side" we see yet another "heart warming" film dealing with african-americans and sports... thanks Hollywood for always comin' with new interesting ideas! If you haven't seen the the trailer yet, I'll describe this white guilt laden extravaganza! A sassy southern white woman that "just don't take no mess" sees a gargantuian black kid walking in the cold on the side of the road. So what does she do? Of course she gives him a ride... Normally that would be the conceit in a horror film, but in this case it all works out for the best. We learn in the trailer that the young black kid has... NEVER HAD A BED! Well Sassy Sandy don't like that not one bit! They ask Big Black to live with them. They get him a tutor and put him, not in honors classes (cause of course he can barely read), THEY PUT HIM ON THE FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM. Why? You know, cause he's a big black kid and they are good at sports n' shit! But wait he's not good at reading or blocking on the o-line, WHA WHA WHA! How could this be? Big Black is also having issues with the gang bangers back home, UH-OH, what can Sassy Sandy do about that? Well she's more than just a frail figured woman with a big mouth! She struts her sassy ass down to that hood and tells the gang banger, "You threaten my son, you threaten me!" This film is based on a "true story" yet at this point in the trailer we don't see Sassy Sandy get SHOT IN THE FUCKIN FACE! She struts off to tell Big Black in football practice to look at the quarterback and play like he's protecting her, CUT TO HIM BEING THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMAN OF ALL TIME!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE isn't the right thing I'm looking to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

All in all, this shit is really getting old, and the fact that someone is proud of making a film that deals with numerous racial, gender, and class stereotypes with no maturity or depth (pretty much kid-gloves) is an ongoing problem in film since it's creation. Don't give a dollar to this flick, but if you want to watch good cinema with African-Americans that aren't as stereotypical go see Antwone Fisher, Soul Food, Cadence, or even the 1968 Night Of The Living Dead, all much more powerful and under-appreciated.

WILD Things!

For the sake of cultural diversity, I have written "Where the Wild Things Are" with black characters. Sadly, not one Wild Thing is in the film and it's only 5 minutes long because as soon as Max acts like an asshole, his mom beats the shit out of him... The End

For the sake of cultural diversity, I have written "Where the Wild Things Are" with Latino characters. Sadly, not one Wild Thing is in the film. It's a very confusing film because as soon as Max acts like an asshole, his thirteen brothers and sisters beat the shit out of him in the middle of the one bedroom apartment because the mom, who is working a double shift at the Marriot, will be too tired when she gets home... The End.

For the sake of cultural diversity, I have written "Where the Wild Things Are" with Asian characters. Sadly, not one Wild Thing is in the film. Max's sister doesn't leave the house, nor does she have friends, and seven years after Max acts like an asshole, his dad (who never left) buys him an Acura and Max gets into Berkeley as a Computer Sci major... The End.

Body Issue Issues...

Obviously Serena looks hot, but the most intriguing photos to me are the ones with the dudes and the one with Gina Carano. Questions... did they just get two of the most swoll-patrol dudes in ball to pose so that they didn't seem sexist or ripping off the SI swimsuit issue? The Gina Carano pic in my opinion is one of the most awesome displays of awesomeness I've seen in awhile, but it seems awkward, right?

First, The dudes...

1) aren't nude like Serena, which could of easily been done by having the boys block their go-nads with their other body parts (which looks brilliant in the Serena pose).

2) totally don't look into it. Probably because they were told to cross their arms across their chest's for no reason. Men with their arms crossed do not look alluring or sexy, they just look like your boss. If this is supposed to be for the ladies, sex it up ESPN!!!

3) Lastly, Dwight's pic is an awkward looking shot with only half his body in it and his face looks like he is on Jeopardy. Stupid dudes.

Gina is...

1) one of the sexist women in the world, that no one has ever heard of. She fights in the UFC, which to most is viewed as either the new boxing or douche-bag Ed Hardy lovin' frat boy fallback when football is gone. She is one of the toughest female fighters pound for pound and isn't the stereotypical dykie white trash ex-trucker with terrible tattoos of skulls and blue fire! She is an amazing human specimen no matter what gender. On one hand this photo shows a considerable amount of her strength, but it's a drab action shot with a dead face and eyes. Why not go more layered and show her subtle strength or quiet rage without her just kicking a fucking bag... Yeah I've been watching too much America's Next Top Model.

All in all, the photos seem to be half-assly done and based on the sensationalist fact that nudity (or just the implication of it) is all you need to sell a mag... or at least waste my time looking for pics on the internet.

Hey is Kathy Ireland dead yet?

The Martians Are Taking Over!

http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/107862/the-forbes-400.html;_ylt=Ar7iwPDTMIeJBAIkWiOcCfv3BK1_;_ylu=X3oDMTBvbzZmOWh2BHBvcwMxMARzZWMDYXJ0aWNsZQRzbGsDNQ--?mod=career-leadership

The 19th richest Americans... The Mars clan, Captain Kurt would of never let this happen!

Hello Friendly Neighborhood Rapist!

So the code to my apartment complex's front door was changed today... I think I'm to blame. I have a lot of friends that live in apartments and I never know the etiquette with the "buzzing me in" thing... let me explain...

I used to live in an apt. with my mom and I'd forget the front entrance key, but kept a front apt. door key under the mat, all I ever needed was someone to let me into the complex THAT I LIVED IN. But people would stare me right in the face as they closed the glass door behind them. I would even try to explain, "I lost the key for this door, could you let me in?" The response... "No, I don't feel comfortable with that!" SLAM. Then you'd see that person 50 times in the elevator and I'd want to say SEE BITCH, I LIVED HERE AND YOU LOCKED ME OUT! I COULD OF DIED, IT'S SAN FRAN-FUCKIN-CISCO, THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THIS GODDAMNED ASYLUM! But instead you just have that amazingly awkward quiet time in the elevator previously discussed.

But sometimes, when the moon is full and the small-ass mailboxes are full, just sometimes, God shines down on you when you're going to your girlfriends apt. and the guy in fornt of you unlocking the entrance way door, will let you in... see it's this ripple that has thrown me off in my adulthood.

I'm a nice guy, and I assume other people are too, but when people who don't know me let me into their apartment doorway, I feel a fragmented awkwardness after this occurrence and sex. Let me explain. After sex I sometimes feel compelled to say THANK YOU, like it was a favor, but after being let into an apartment complex I feel disdain for the person who let me in. I start thinking, OH MY GOD, THIS GUY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME, I COULD BE A RAPIST OR MURDERER, AND WHEN YOU SEE THE AMBULANCE AND SEE THE NEWS REPORT LATER THAT NIGHT YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT YOUR... COURTESY.

Isn't that kinda fucked up? I wanted to be nice this weekend and saw this guy standing by my entrance way with his bike, he was older, with a stained shirt, and was struggling a little. I had to make a choice, go in and close the door behind me, or be nice and help the guy out (since i had been in his shoes). I opened the door and said, "you're not a rapist or nothing, right?" He smiled, I saw he had no front teeth, I caught a wiff of his stench, and he started to laugh the most MANIACAL LAUGH, hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe...

It was too late, he already had his hand on the door... I checked the news that night and looked out the windows for flashing lights... nothing... checked Westside Rentals and we have a new vacancy... I'm sorry.

Get Off D'z Nuts

Hey evil four letter (ESPN)! Now that most of the anger from our UW loss has subsided I can humbly ask for one favor. You overrate us and then say STUPID SHIT like, "SC's o-line's so good, you could place me (Rece Davis) behind center and they won't miss a beat!"
Then when Corp craps himself, "After the half you can tell Corp isn't right, why leave him in?"

My request to every analyst, color man, and cognitive sports masturbater, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

NO WE COULDN'T JUST PLOP YOUR DORKY ASS UNDER CENTER RECE!
NO, MARK MAY WE CAN'T JUST RELOAD, YOU WHITE WASHED BALL WASHER.
JESSE PALMER... NOTHING SAYS FOOTBALL LIKE FROSTED TIPS, DOUCHE.

SC is a good team in a country full of 'em and we get caught sleeping every year, why is ESPN still talking about it, Miley Cyrus sold out the god damned staple center here people!

Hello... SHH! We're in an elevator for God's sake!

Does anyone talk in elevators?... You only really notice when you're in an elevator that doesn't have muzak (which isn't as bad as people think, Kenny G. and Mikie Bolton never pushed the envelope, but never offended anybody either). I have broken down all of the conversations I've had in my entire life while in an elevator by race and gender of the participants:

Convo #1 (most frequent occurrence)
Race: Whites
Gender: Males
Situation: the elevator is stopping at numerous stops, the conversation participant states, "WOW, GLAD I CAUGHT THE EXPRESS!" I fake laugh, smile or chuckle...
END OF INTERACTION

Convo #2
Race: Whites, Blacks, Latinos
Gender: Males or older Females
Situation: The elevator stops at the stop before yours and you, not paying attention (probably on the phone), start to leave. You sometimes bump into each other or nearly miss bumping into them. You state, "Whoa, sorry 'bout that, wrong floor,". Conversation participant states, "No biggie, happens to me all the time,"...
END OF INTERACTION

Convo #3
Race: Blacks and Latinos (some younger whites)
Gender: Male
Situation: You are on an elevator with some of my fellow colored brothers and a young woman (not necessarily attractive). She usually gets off first, almost as if we are all waiting her out and purposefully missing our stops just to have this interaction. She leaves and someone initiates (place misogynist comment here). Some examples could be, "I'd hit that", "did you see those titties", "spinner", (I heard my grandpa say this once) "check out the yams on that gam!" But sometimes, and believe you me I love these sometimes, it gets downgraded to a simple SMILE and NOD by the guys acknowledging they just saw someone from the opposite sex, and it's always followed by (my favorite part) a laugh!
END OF INTERACTION
Why do we laugh? Most of the time for me it's laughing at the ridiculousness that grown-ass men are simply tickled pink by seeing a girl and acknowledging that we aren't homosexual. Way to go, guys!

Convo #4
Race: Asians
Gender: Both
Situation: You're on an elevator, a person from the land of the Orient gets on. You say hi...
END OF INTERACTION
I've lived in SF and my gf now lives in Koreatown, I have HARLDY EVER been spoken to by people of Asian decent that I didn't already know. One time I got a smirk...

Reoccurring situation, not a conversation
Race: Whites
Gender: Younger Females
Situation: You walk in the elevator and two SWFs are in the midst of a conversation about SOMEONE WHO YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKIN' KNOW. As you're walking in, one says something like, "... and then she said..." at that point they give you a look and remain quiet for the remainder of the trip. As soon as they hit their stop one says, "So anyway..." and they continue their conversation. As if I'm uber-nark or the start of THE MOST ULTIMATE TELEPHONE GAME OF ALL-TIME and what they are saying will somehow get back to the person they're talking shit about. JUST KEEP FUCKIN' TALKING instead of making everyone feel like a ear-hustling-leper.

In short, TRY TALKING TO SOMEONE ON AN ELEVATOR! I know it's a super small and intimate space that you're sharing with someone you don't know! And most of the time you've seen elevators in movies or TV, someone is either fucking in it (The Aerosmith song) or stuck in it (a great Saved By The Bell earthquake episode). So, I get the nervousness, but come on, I can only fervently stare at the numbers counting down for about 5 floors before I WANT TO FUCKIN' SCREAM! "WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?!"
... and my best friend is Asian so I can't be racist...

Hella Proud

Not to minimize how tough it must have been for Anne Frank... but shit ain't easy being a bay area sports fan living in LA... Hiding in plain sight, while keeping my mouth shut as people talk about how the Dodgers are going to run the table or how Kobe will be better than Jordan! When wearing my Giants hat cholos downtown ask if I'm a Giants fan, I frantically tell them, "No I just love gangbangin' so much I had to go out and buy the Seven Four (SF) Hoovers hat!"

In all seriousness, Seven Four hoovers are a pretty legit gang, and have a way higher slugging percentage than the Gigantes.

After seeing my Giants get reamed by the Dodgers last week, and seeing the hopes of just a playoff run kindle and dwindle all in the span of a week... I must say that a bastion of hope still glimmers. This weekend I will be at the San Francisco Saloon amongst other Northerns rooting, hoping, praying that we can sweep this series!

Throughout the entire Annie Frank book I thought to myself, ANNE BABY BAUBE, TAKE OFF THE GOD DAMNED NECKLACE THAT TELLS EVERYONE YOUR JEWISH AND LIVE YO LIFE! But she didn't, she stayed in her attic, ate her stale attic bread, and lived her scary attic life... too proud to say I AM NOT A JEW! Well... I AM A GIANTS FAN! I AM A WARRIORS FAN! I AM A PANTHER FAN... yeah that last one is a leap but the Raiders are owned by the devil and the Niners fans eat fancy cheeses during the game.

I've been scoffed at by angels fans after our world series loss and have had my car window smashed in by Dodger fans after going to a Burrito truck (dodger fans take their baseball and burritos very seriously apparently). But that doesn't stop me from singing the praises of THE FREAK, KUNG-FU PANDA, and GILROY GARLIC FRIES... the later is not a clever player nickname, but it should be!

All in all, I see where little Annie Frank (wait is Frank even a jewish name? shouldn't it be Frankenberg or Frankenstein?) was coming from and respect for her overflows in me like a topped off Anchorsteam, but I will not let the hoards win, I will root for my teams like the Mensch I am, I WILL REPRESENT THE BAY TO THE FULLEST... unless those guys who broke my window show up again, then it's all about Seven Four Hoovers.

Bad Roommates Build Character

Much like a big nose or growing up the fat kid, I now know that bitch roommates makes you appreciative of shit! Now keep in mind when I use the word bitch I am not using it in hip-hop terms to refer to every woman, only the lowest rung of naggery and bullshittyness in womandom that brings all of you good girls down...
I have just gotten out of a bitch roommate situation recently and have lived with some pretty assholey females before.

My first experience was with a long time girlfriend that I lived with in LA. I was coming to the southland for college at USC, she was from here and told me the best place for us to live was CARSON. If you are not familiar, Carson is an hour and a half bus ride away... We broke up, not just because of that, but other things got it to the point were I was so bitter toward her I started withholding sex from her... What did she do? SHE TOLD HER MOM ON ME! How do I know this? Her mom called me and asked me, WHY ARE YOU NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER!?! A LITTLE CREEPY NO?

Another girlfriend of mine made me take about 3 - 5 showers a day, not because I was a professional runner or had a large sweat gland, but because SHE DIDN'T WANT BUGS IN HER BED! WTF, I never knew I was a bug ridden slime bucket... probably because I didn't sleep in parks and hang out with the homeless, but I'm sure other bug ridden slime buckets that she dated set a bad precedence.

BUT AT LEAST I WAS HAVING SEX WITH THESE CHICKS! The most recent bitch roommate wasn't even giving me cooch, yet felt responsible to constantly email me about the DVD player being on, the bathroom window not being opened after showers, and me having sex too loud at 10am on a Sunday (well maybe she was a devout catholic and I never knew). At least if you are going to nag me, throw some cooter my way! She was the kind of bitch that would see you watching the season finale of Lost and want to talk to you about her day. A 33 year old loser who quit her good job to become a yogi, and stated that she wanted friends, not roommates... There are tons of roommates that you wouldn't necessarily call friends but pay their bills on time and don't get in your way. She was the type of old broad who would say things like, "you're 27 that's right in my dating wheel house!" yeah but ugly wasn't in my fucking wheelhouse toots.

So ladies...
1) Know who you're living with before you move in, so you know what you're getting into. If you don't have a strong enough foundation laid, the move-in will be the nail in your relationship coffin.
2) Nagging won't change anything at anytime EVER, it only makes it worse (or pushes someone to only do the bear minimum so they don't have to hear your mouth).
3) Pick your battles, and don't tell me the size of my carbon footprint is the problem in our world cause I threw a banana in the garbage and not in a bio-degradable compost heap that didn't exist until the cool neighbor down stairs made it.
4) Oh... and check that you flushed before you leave the bathroom... That's just a note in general.

Fuck a finger, give me the HAND!

When I let you merge into my lane at the last minute, ALL I WANT IS THE HAND! A simple wave goes a long way. I'll even settle for a simple five finger raise while your hand is on the steering wheel. I don't have to let you get out of that parking lot if you're going left, BUT I DID AND WANT RETRIBUTION! People in California drive like shit, we all know it, but if we come together and show even an ounce of respect to each other all of our days will be that much better. SO START RAISING A GOD DAMNED HAND TO PEOPLE WHO HELP YOU OUT. Stop speeding up on the freeway when I turn my blinker on to get in your lane! Get the fuck over when I'm going the speed limit in the fast lane and you're going 35. TURN RIGHT ON RED WITH YOUR EXPIRED TAGS ON YOUR SHIT 300ZX! I don't owe you shit on the road so I could give a fuck if you had a shitty day, get off of twitter and GIVE ME A FUCKING REAR VIEW MIRROR NOD you shitty cuntbag... I don't even know what that means, but probably offends someone, SO GOOD!

The Oldest Profession

Everyone says PROSTITUTION IS THE WORLD'S OLDEST PROFESSION... Actually wouldn't that be HUNTING... I mean Cro-Magnon or not, you want some cooter, better kill you a motha fuckin' cougar or two! Shit, even GATHERING will suffice, you collect enough fishes or leaves for a shelter and that Neanderthal bitch is hella more likely to use fuckin' in an exchange... So stop saying that hoin' is the world's first trade, cause if dudes didn't have a bargaining chip to lure the panoch, there wouldn't be nothin' but a lot of head bludgeoning and rapin' going on... I'm just saying!

Gloriously Good!

Just saw "Inglourious Basterds" and LOVED IT. I hate misspelled movies titles, THIS MEANS YOU "Pursuit of Happyness", but this film has few negatives!
And here they are...
1) It was long in parts, Tarantino can get caught up in how well he can write dialogue. There are lot of great scenes with dudes sitting at a table going back and forth, but many of them really could of been shaved down. The audience could of been saved an extra 15 - 20 minutes easy.
2) Oh yeah, and someone please PUNCH Eli Roth in the NUTS. Yes, I'm one of the few people who loved "Cabin Fever" and his killer fruit animation thingie five years ago, but now that he's Tarantino's boy he's bigger than his britches. His one major scene in the woods is ruined cause he can't get an accent down.

NOW ON TO THE POSITIVES
1) Christoph Waltz is AMAZING. One of the most layered performances by an actor in a Nazi uniform since the the guy who shot Jacob The Liar in the face (and we all cheered, I mean Jew or not, he was a fucking liar, not cool!) The script is written so over the top, yet Waltz is able to bring hilarity in tow with anger, fear, and even likability!
2) Brad Pitt meshes Billy Bob Thorton in Sling Blade with John Wayne... and it works beautifully! Brad Pitt is one of America's best actors and is not celebrated for his talents as much as his looks, which is a varsity travesty... yeah I made that shit up, makes sense to me...
3) Robert Richardson shoots another beautiful film, great color contrasts and always meticulously framed.
4)The ending is perfect and leaves the audience with a great/disgusting taste in their mouths (Tarantino at his best).
5) The characterizing of Hitler as a near heart attack old bumbling (at times) lunatic is a brilliant stroke!
6) Shosanna's story bookends beautifully. Plus, I like the choice of her love interest being another type of "undesirable" in this world.
7) The German propaganda film is perfectly made with it's terrible stunts and over the top acting.
8) Mike Myer's cameo is oddly interesting, cause we can't help but laugh because of his persona. It seems as if he can't help but make this stupid open mouth smirk thingie. The whole scene really makes little more sense than "this is cool for cool's sake" (especially in retrospect), but in this zany world it doesn't bother me much. It's actually kind of a good break from the more drawn out scenes.
9) Most of all, I love how everyone is free game in a Tarantino film, Krauts, Negros, Hairy Jews, you name it! Denzel gave Tarantino shit a decade ago for using the word "nigger" too much, and yes sometimes it's jarring, but overall everyone is demeaned... so I feel it's all fair play. The only thing that is kind of bothersome is when you see the audience reaction to certain racial jokes, yes white guy in front of me YOU LAUGH AWKWARDLY TOO LOUD AT BLACK JOKES!
10) All in all it's a FUCKING AMAZING TIME OUT, but GO IN WITH NO EXPECTATIONS... don't you hate when people say that shit...

Chick Flicks For Humans With Dicks

I recently had the joy of watching some great chick flicks, and now realize it's the best way for guys to appreciate guy-dom. The first occurrence was with my friend Arian. We waited for 45 minutes for a free screening of "Failure to Launch", and followed that up with Hot Wings at Hooters, equilibrium!

In NY, it was a lovely little furburger-fest with my boy Matt. A film by the name of "Over Her Dead Body", starring Paul Rudd and Eva Longoria, tickled our pinks during the humid Saturday afternoon. This masterpiece was about a guy whose GF is killed. She later comes back to earth to haunt the new chick that he is now interested in... oh did I mention, the new chick can talk to the dead! THIS IS HIGH CONCEPT AT IT'S BEST! Rudd's new girl reads tarot cards by day and has a catering business by night, WELL DUH, SHOW ME A WOMAN THAT DOESN'T. Jason Biggs is in the role of a lifetime, playing a dude that is so in love with the seance loving chica (yup, the same one that Rudd likes) that he has been faking gay for 5 years just to be around her. In his defense I think the chick's panoch spouts gold and gives you real-time sports updates! In the end, the dead Eva Longoria sees the error of her ways and lets living dogs lie, with a beautiful moral of "the only constants in this world are death and taxes" shining through (well there ain't much in the flick about taxes, but it's a cool quote from a dead guy so I wanted to use it).

Last night I saw a great little ditty called "The Proposal" pretty much starring Betty White. Yeah Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are in it, but it's pretty much the Betty White show... HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT DIRECTOR ABLE TO PITCH A BETTY WHITE DRIVEN PIECE IN HOLLYWOOD (assuming it's not the year 1945)? I don't know, but we should give her and the guy who pitched George Clooney as Batman a special "kick in the nuts award of bravery" at every Oscars. The whole point of Poor-posal is Sandy B is a B(itch), and R squared is her push-over assistant who has to marry her. WHY YOU ASK? To keep her from being deported and for him to get a promotion, silly pants! Think "The Visitor" but written by a 12 year-old. How do I know this movie isn't meant for guys?
1) It's about a fucking cougar, and she's not just getting young dick and happy for it, she actually wants to marry the guy.
2) It has a scene where a fat Mexican stripper dances for old white ladies in a honky-tonk bar in Alaska.
3) It has another scene where an unbelievably cute dog gets picked up by a hawk and Sandy B has to catch it (BUT ULTIMATELY FALLS DOWN AND LOOKS STUPID, WAKA WAKA WAKA!)
4) The pinnacle for me was the scene where Bullucks has to do an indian dance to Lil' Jon's, "Get Low" (which I'm sure every mid-30s successful Canadian book editor knows word for word as shown here!).

It just seems to me that a lot of girls hate horror as a genre because it's so formulaic and character choices make no sense. Yet chick flicks follow the same archetypes, and seemingly stop any semblance of plot just to tell the audience a joke (or show them a stupid slapsticky aside). Plus they throw on bullshit fairy tale endings that are just as convoluted as psychopathic killers who take out a camps filled with hot half-naked co-eds! SO, If your feeling bad about your relationship and lack of career success, my advice to you... drink heavily, call your best dude-bro friends over and engage in wasting two hours of your life with a chick flick... if you're really hardcore do the entire first season of Gossip Girl with your old high school football team!

Burn Baby Burn!

Ok, I think I fucked myself... So, a bunch of my friends are going to Burning Man this year and said last year was, "FUCKING AMAZING!!!!" I immediately bought my ticket and tried to get my girlfriend one for cheap, but she ended up spending over $300 bones (I spent over $200)! I still felt good about the purchase thinking that it's a hip fun hippie-fest and the ticket price was the worst of it... At this point I now realize, I got BURNED... (muffled chuckle)...get it... see what I did there?... Burn and Burned, contextually different but similar...

1) If this thing is a bunch of drugged up hippies in the desert (which have a special place in my heart for) WHY IS THIS SHIT SO EXPENSIVE?
So far my tally is as such...
$260 (my ticket) +
$360 (my girl's ticket) +
$60 (shitty bike that we'll leave out there) +
$130 (Bike rack that I had to buy for the shitty bike) +
$??? the stuff still pending such as: tape (for the tent), another shitty bike, lights for bike, lights for your person, costumes, and props for said costumes, food, water, and especially drugs... All in all buying this shit isn't the biggest problem, it's the time spent driving around the city and scouring Craigslist that pisses me off the most!
Not to mention I have to call in sick for 3 days of work just to have the pleasure of baking in the hot sun and being caked with sand... oh, and I forgot to mention that I'm a chubby fuck! So I'ma be that fat guy in the sweaty see-through white shirt! (I keep it on out of decency to others)!

2) How do I unload these tickets and bear the guilt trips of friends?
They already expect me to go and it's hard to deflate people's expectations. Now I have to prepare myself for the comments about me being cheap and a flake, which always suck. They'll probably partially blame my GF... that approach gives dudes the freedom to call another dude a pussy. I helped write the book on this technique, DAMN YOU COME-UP-INS!
Plus, and most importantly, I have to come to terms with the fact that as I am grandfathered into the cool liberalisms due to my origins in San Fran...
I must now realize I'm a middle-class cheapo that looks forward to reality TV (even though I tell all my friends it's beneath me),
only smokes weed when others give it to me (too expensive of a habit for my cheap ass),
and sends in a mail-in ballot every year, cause I don't want to be bothered in lines surrounded by the proletariat (plus I don't even think I fill the ballot out right half the time so my vote probably doesn't even count).
All this would make me have to hand in my Bay Area Card, AND PEOPLE THINK I'M A PLATINUM MEMBER!!! That just can't happen.

3) Don't you hate when people tell you to go into something with no expectations?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!? If I had no/low expectations why the fuck would I even waste my time! And this kinda malarkey always comes after a guy verbally spews a wad of hyperbole in your ear pertaining to THE BEST______, THE MOST AMAZING______, or _________WAS FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE, but go in with no expectation! FUCK YOU! As my girlfriend would say," for $300 this shit better lick my pussy and shoot me to the moon!" More eloquent pros were never crafted.

So my question to you... my question to myself... SHOULD I GET OUT NOW AND CUT MY $500 LOSSES or KEEP SHOVELING DOUGH INTO IT AND HOPE FOR THE BEST?

Cancun... more like CanCRAZY!!!

I had to work my way through college and found myself with very little money or time to do the normal college activities like Spring Break getaways. So at the age of 27, I got revenge on the diligent Dwayne of yesteryear.

With hundreds of dollars at my disposal, I received news that my friend was getting married in CANCUN. Yes, finally I get to live a dream. Unbeknownst to me, I was going to live the dream of a 20-something douche-nozzle named Kerry from right outside of Fort Worth (yeah, a real dude I met on the plane).

The trip started off on a bad note as I lost my phone and had an over-night lay-over in Phoenix. A cab to and from a "delightful" excuse for a cantina called THE SALTY SENORITA (is that more racist than sexist or visa-versa?) cost me 60 bucks and I had to sleep on a wicker chair in front of Starbucks.

We finally get to Cancun, which has the airport code CUN, pronounced ‘COON’, which oddly enough, only I and a black dude from Memphis noticed... I looked around at the people waiting at Baggage Claim and noticed they were all either 18 or 55. Sadly, the 55-year-olds were the randiest characters in the group! Gregarious groping and mammary maiming, one guy even told his aging piece o' rear, "Get ready for a long weekend!"... Cancun throws a curveball for a strike!

My room was actually kinda sweet (look at the view from my window), but the best part: two words, ALL INCLUSIVE... FREE BEER, FOOD, and as I looked around, MORE FUCKING OLD PEOPLE! Holy crap, I got a great deal on this place but apparently, I unwittingly subscribed to a newsletter from Geriatric Travel Times! SO MUCH HALF-NAKED OLD ASS, sun-bathing and making out! I choose to hang out a lot in the room, watching telemundo shows consisting of hot chicks slapping young dudes in the face for a futbol prize packs. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS... Cancun with a heater at the knees for strike two!

At least I got comp tickets into the club next door... REWIND, so there were these two skanky chicks. One obviously had fake boobs; the other one had one of those pug noses that are only cute before you hit puberty, so these individuals grow up bitter having hit their pretty peak before they even had pubes. They were prancing around something serious, and I knew that these were the type of girls that guys come to Cancun for. Easy Peasy Japanesey!

So I get into the club for free with drink passes only to enjoy the dulcet tones of Lady Gaga wanting to ride something that doesn't even exist (you're either talking about a dick or a disco ball- choose one) and seeing girls have an ass-shaking contest on stage... FYI, the black girl won.

But immediately my attention is caught by Pug Nose making out like a like a cure for mono exists and Booby being catered to by two young Mexican dudes! I like being right. Puggy gets up with her prince charming and they go to the woman's restroom. I'm like, this is getting good, so I post-up (LITERALLY ON A POST) next to the bathroom exit... 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins... no sign of them, I need to go to el bano myself, but I need resolution. BLAMO! Security drags the two classy asses out! Dude's zipper's down and his shlong is hanging out! HEY, I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED BUT HE CAME OUT FIRST (I think)! Anyway the chick is sloppy- saying shit like, "My daddy's gonna kick your ass!" to the security guard. I go out for a stogie to see the rest of the action. Security makes our little pug-nosed princess take a seat, and then Body by Fake comes stumbling out. "Jessica!" she drunkenly spouts. Booberella takes out a phone and makes a call. Ten minutes later, an old white dude in his 50s angrily approaches, his Tommy Bahama shirt almost as red as his face! "God damn it, Deb! You were supposed to be watching her!" He then kisses, as we assume now, his fake-boobed wife! And picks up his, as we assume now, daughter in a fireman's carry. Unbeknownst to him, we can all see her underwear as he walks away with her. Homerun for me!

Daddy Dearest earns my vote for White Trash Father 2009. He brings his trophy wife and daughter to Cancun to bond, and gets livid when baby girl whores out and is shocked that his attention whore wifey wasn't more responsible! Sign me up in the "Never Doing This Shit Again" column.

That is Cancun, one more thing check off the pre-30 bucket list, and revenge is best served... for free, buffet-style and accompanied by freak shows or Mariachis!

Oh, and the wedding was beautiful by the way!