Friday, February 19, 2010

Part 3 In The Series!

3) Oh, those gays!?! Like the prefect hybrid of humanity, the sweet sensibilities of a woman with the bold brashness of a man = FLAMINGLY FUNNY!


Thank you Will and Grace for bringing the fag-hag into the lime light. Before that, the most famous funny gay, other than Jim J. Bullock was Serge from Beverly Hills Cop, or as I like to call it, "What Balki Did On His Summer Vacation!" (If you didn't get the Center Square dude reference, I tossed you a perfect stranger softball)


Now it's all the rage for a hip chick to have that awesome gay friend to shop with, chat about boys with, and to get into hijinks with? I get it, gay dudes are cool cause they still give you male attention, like the same things you like, and gets off on pumping up your ego with constant praise about how you look like Doris Day or a young Judy Garland! So these truths, which are self-evident, naturally attract women to gay dudes, but where does the funny come in?


1 - THEY FUCKING TALK FUNNY! Yeah, lisps! Under the realm of accent/impresion LISPS MAKE PEOPLE TALK DIFFERENT, which as stated before, WOMEN GO GAGA FOR!


2 - THEY TELL IT HOW IT IS! Think of a sassy black women, white people love 'em, but think of a sassy black woman who goes for the jugular while wearing a brooks brothers suit and not being as intimidating as a black person... THERE YOU HAVE IT, WHITE WOMAN HILARITY KRYPTONITE! So many gay characters have been depicted as shit talkers and rabble-rousers for the sake of a laugh, mostly because women love there I DON'T GIVE A FUCK style ... so they keep getting paraded in all of these shitty sitcoms and chick flicks.


3 - THEY ARE INTEGRAL FOR THE MAKEOVER MONTAGE! Yeah you can do the hot chicks makeover montage, but nothing, NOTHING, is better than a bunch of queens armed with tweezers, Mac eye shadow, and flat irons! Oh wait I'm wrong, add a terrible 80's synth laden pop song and a girl is on cloud fuckin' 9!


A sitcom staple tomorrow, BAD DANCING...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What Girls Find Funny 2


2) Accents are gold! There must of been at least 6 characters with fucking accents that got big laughs in the shitflick Valentine's Day...


Were they especially important to the plot or dynamic in any way, no, THEY JUST TALKED ENGLISH FUNNY!


A Mexican flower salesman with a thick accent told an Eastern European woman to, "LEARN ENGLISH AND COME BACK."

YOU GET IT! IT'S IRONIC CAUSE HE DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH GOOD! THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY!


Really? An accent is a cheap Improv parlor trick at best, when all else fails make a funny voice! It's that annoying shit that you see at "Girl Parties" when they get drunk and tell the "funny one" (normally the chubby one or the one that drives) to DO IT, DO IT, DO THE IMPRESSION of that one girl we don't like... or our old boss... or fucking Ghandi! It doesn't matter, the impression, inflection, or accent, NEVER SOUNDS GOOD!


So one can easily believe that these following scenes would steal a comedy geared toward females... Hollywood you're welcome.



A Chinese Waiter -

White Customer: I want item X.

Chinese Waiter: (thick accent) Wha? Yu whan Y?

W.C.: No, I want X.

C.W.: Yu whan Y.

W.C.: NO! I WANT X!

C.W.: ... y?

W.C.: WHERE IS YOUR GOD DAMNED NUMBER SYSTEM!?!


HUGE African Bellhop - "Going UP or DOWN" (in that low african accent baritone) throw in a big dick joke (which much to my dismay, white girls still seem to think is funny) for good measure.


A girl with a high pitch squeal gets excited about something inconsequential... so annoying... yet SNL women have paid for their grandkids college tuitions off of this one. I


Cute Canadian Actor on a comedy show... damn it Tina Fey (30 Rock) made that funny for everyone... oh yeah and that reminds me, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT CHARACTER? He went the way of the middle sister on Family Matters, sad, so sad.


But the all-time classic for most Anglo-saxons with femininity, JEWISH MOTHER IN-LAWS!!!!

In that ANNOYING accent, "OH LARRY WHEN ARE YOU GONNA MEET A NICE GIRL?"


GUT-BUSTING, SIDES-SPLITTING, ANUS-TEARING ACTION UP AND DOWN THE AISLE...


There is another speech inflection that kills the ladies, it's a group I LLLLOOOOOVVVVEEEE! I'll save them for tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Female Funny F-ing beFuddles Me!

So you're telling me if you put a shit load of beautiful hollywood stars in a movie about a "holiday", and release it on said "holiday" that that it will be successful? FUCK YEAH I AM! Guys will get their pseudo "star-laden-fix" when The Expendables comes out, starring every defunct action icon from our youth. BUT FIRST LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LADIES!


I found myself one of the few sausages in a taco-fest this weekend at Valentines Day. It took all types, old broads, young ladies, asians chicks, pregos, you name the type of tang and it was there... mostly without a dude. And all to witness the never ending and always boring conversation about the validity of fucking valentines. The same stupid debate that single people have with hitched couples every year, WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? This flaming piece of donkey ass does little more than pontificate at nauseam. ultimately doing nothing more than conceding by showing you a bunch of shallow vignettes of stereotypes ranging from dream guys cheating, old folks lying, best friends of the opposite sex being meant for each other, and of course ever woman's favorite, THE GAYS!


I learned very little about what love is from this movie as it slightly dabbled with a "movie love" concept where two people can be dating for two weeks but know... "This is the one." One scene in particular described love as, "something you just fall into... you can't plan for it or expect it, it just happens." FUCK THAT! LOVE IS FUCKING TOUGH! It's an everyday compromise of who you are and what you want to be. It's putting aside your own ego and way of life for the fun times that you can share with another person and the hope that you won't die alone. It's the maturity of forgiveness and the letting go of shit you said you would never stand for. It's opening yourself up to get hurt 100 times before you finally (and hopefully) get it right, only to still be hurt by more insignificant issues. LOVE IS FUCKING TOUGH... and it pains me to see young women (as that is who this movie is catered to) being sold this Disneyland bullshit as a potential reality if they are lucky enough. I learned nothing about love, but I did learn a lot about what women find funny, which I don't get at all!


1) It starts with little kids! Hey here is a 6 year old sitting under a tree, AWE!

Oh, but here is a 7 year old waiting at a bus stop in a little suit! HAHAHA, AWE!

But wait there's more, what about a 10 year old boy giving a 10 year old girl a rose, getting kissed on the cheek, and when his eyes get big, he makes a WHOOZA face! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, COMEDIC GOLD!!!


IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY ARE KIDS DOING STUFF THAT ADULTS DO, GET IT!


Hey lets get a movie with kids teaching a bunch of puppies in a math class, HAHAHA, YEAH CUTENESS!


WHY FUCKING STOP THERE MAN, we can get kids to do real adult type shit like having to pick up their credit card from the bar they drunkingly left it at the night before,YEAH!


Or kids with hemorrhoids sitting with one of those ass donuts, WOOHOO!


The creme de la creme could be kid detectives solving the case of a kid meth head who ODed in the kid state senate building after defiling a kid hooker, DIGGERY DOO DAD DO, IT'S FUNNY CAUSE THEY'RE MOTHER FUCKING KIDS!


They're just smaller versions of people with normal sized heads! This ain't Buster Keaton spinning on a ladder proped up on a moving train, or witty Bill Murray one-liners in bootcamp. IT'S KIDS DOING SHIT, ANY OLD SHIT AT ALL! How the hell is this funny?


Over the next 5 days I'll be adding to the list of non-funny shit that makes girls smile and laugh, use it as a tool gentlemen, use it to your advantage, they out number us so you get enough of the ladies to co-sign on you and you'll be set for life...

just and FYI, females fucking hate me.