TV Killed The Movie Star!

I'd never thought I'd say this after 1996, but TV is better than movies!

I thought it could never get better than Scott Bakula putting right what once went wrong and Zach Morris making right what he fucked up in the first place... but with the new line ups of Modern Family, It's Always Sunny, Curb, and Community it has happened again, the TV RENAISSANCE!!!

Comedy is dead in film, The Hangover was an exception, if you want funny you go to the boob tube, if you want boobs you go to the internet. Zombieland was Shawn of the Dead for pompous ass americans who didn't see Shawn of the Dead and Couples Retreat should of just re-shoot Weekend At Bernie's and changed the name.

Even the shitty suspense thrillers don't match up to Lost, Fringe, or (yes I know it's cheesy and contrived, but still better than suspense in most films) Flashforward. TV has earned so much cred I have even left room on my TiVo for a piece of excrement like V. Take that 2012, The Day the Earth Stood Still, and The Box!

Even stupid reality shows like Tough Love, Tool Academy, and The Pick-up Artist are more fun compared to The Ugly Truth, Transformers: Rise of the Crap Monsters, or Land of the Lost.

All in all, my netflix dvds of Sliders season 1-4, Dinosaurs, and Eerie Indiana have been removed from my que because I GOTS SOME TELE TO GET THROUGH! If you aren't watching you're as unpatriotic as a Keith Oblerman fan.

p.s. just watched Cougartown and it's the worse show ever created on the face of the earth...

The Dirty South Is SULLIED!

Sorry for not updating but I've have spent the last couple days in New Orleans... my first time in the south... FUCK THE SOUTH... I think it's because I have experienced that nice covert racism in the subtext shadows in lovely California, but it sucks to get stared at when walking down the street with your girlfriend of another race. What year is it down here?

1) Their are no ass-gaskets for the shitters... I know if I'm going to get Hepatitis I'm gonna get it, but at least give me the comfortable illusion that this thin piece of recycled paper will protect me from crotch rot!

2) WAY TOO MANY BLACK BUS BOYS! It bothers me when an older black dude picks up my plate and says a, "Y'all done, sir!" I wanna say no just to make the white server come back and pick it up.

3) I start thinking about the black folks here, WHY DIDN'T YOU GET THE FUCK OUT! It's one of those things where you want to grab the bus boy and say you can be better than this house nig white jacket wearing patsy. But then I have to understand there is a reason why the black folks who left... left and the ones who didn't... didn't, but from growing up in Cali it's hard to just let it go.

4) Bourbon St. is white trash central, if it was a radio station it would be hits of the 70's and 80's... Eagles, Bon Jovi, and Journey! A couple young people are scattered in, but it's awkwardly old and generic...

5) No one cards... maybe girlfriend and I are officially old, but damn! I never saw anyone carded... maybe that's the white trash aspect in practice money is money young or old!

6) Food is the ultimate equalizer no matter how awkward I felt walking around or listening to music... when everyone ate, EVERYONE ATE! The fattening, gluttonous, and indulgent food options are SOOOOOO GOOOD! It's the only time I'm wasn't stared at or whispered about, good food brings us all together...

ALL IN ALL, IF YOU AIN'T FROM THE SOUTH DON'T GO THERE... NOTHING FOR YOU THERE, EXCEPT GOOD FOOD...

The Challenge...

As a demonstration of strength, courage, and social examination I will engage in a quest! Much like the Knights during feudalism or Kevin Bacon in "The Air Up There" I will do what few like me have ever done before. I have been challenged to... give FOX NEWS a chance...

Mind you I am a 20 something tri-racial male from San Francisco... I don't even know what channel, if any, it's on... but I for the next three days will ONLY GET MY NEWS FROM FOX NEWS CHANNEL (and/or their online contingent)!

I always thought to myself yeah, I love Dennis Richmond and Leslie Griffith from KTVU Fox Channel 2 (as a kid growing up), but I don't get how Fox News Channel turned into a totally different animal! I then thought to myself how bad could it be the same channel that brought me The World's Craziest Car Chases and In Living Color can be that far right... RIGHT?

And yes, I have watched bits and pieces of Fox through the eyes of Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow, but I want to just see what the world looks like through their eyes, if only for a weekend... What's the worst that could happen... hopefully some seeds for the funny tree!

Tell you about it Monday you dirty sandbaggin' liberals you!

Left 4 Dead 3: San Francisco

While scouring the blogishpere I found out that Valve Entertainment released these specs...

The 4 Characters

De'Quan James 25 year old black male, was bangin' a broad in the city so he took the BART in from Oakland THEN OH' SHIT, THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE JUMPED OFF!

Dat Nguyen 30 something SFPD cop and Deep Space Nine enthusiast, OFF DUTY MY ASS, THEY'RE ZOMBIE'S A COMIN'!!

Brigg Mason a 40 year old lesbian truck driver who has an affinity for melee weapons, THIS TRUCKER IS 10-8 FOR ZOMBIE 187!!!

Frank Dunderby 23 year old Berkeley sociology grad student, parents were hippies, thinks people should be more politically correct, and hates the death penalty... but all bets are off after those Zombie bastards ate HIS FAVORITE BARISTA AT PETE'S ON SHATTUCK!

The 4 Scenes (including the tag lines on the posters)

1) Organic Food Co-op "What's more organic than BRAINS!"

2) Fisherman's Warf "The Seals say, ARF ARF ARF. The Zombie's say BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS!

3) Golden Gate Bridge "Is this a bridge to nowhere? NOPE, It's the Bridge to BRAINS!!!"

4) The Power Exchange (gay bath house) "IT'S RAINING MEN! AND THEY EAT BRAINS!!!!"

Bonus Survival Modes

Hippie Haute "I Ashbury-HAIGHT these damn ZOMBIES!"

Sound Mind, Dead Bodies - Don't disturb the tai-chi zombies or "This little walk in the park will be anything but!"

New Specialty Zombies

Grave Raver - Decked out in clothing so baggy you better nail him with a head shot or he's just going to keep coming... plus he's probably on drugs.

Unhomed Undead - Avoid this tenderloin bum turned zombie pisses acid and shits fire... which were actually things he did before he turned into a zombie... plus he's probably on drugs.

The Queen - Pretty much the same as before except now it looks more like a dude in a prom dress... oh yeah and it's on drugs.

The Burnouts - Specific to the Haight-Ashbury and Food Co-op levels, they literally light on fire and run in all different directions... HELL YEAH THEY'RE ON FUCKIN' DRUGS!!!

Don't get Blind Sided by this crap...

Thank God for white women!

In the new Sandra Bulluck movie "The Blind Side" we see yet another "heart warming" film dealing with african-americans and sports... thanks Hollywood for always comin' with new interesting ideas! If you haven't seen the the trailer yet, I'll describe this white guilt laden extravaganza! A sassy southern white woman that "just don't take no mess" sees a gargantuian black kid walking in the cold on the side of the road. So what does she do? Of course she gives him a ride... Normally that would be the conceit in a horror film, but in this case it all works out for the best. We learn in the trailer that the young black kid has... NEVER HAD A BED! Well Sassy Sandy don't like that not one bit! They ask Big Black to live with them. They get him a tutor and put him, not in honors classes (cause of course he can barely read), THEY PUT HIM ON THE FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM. Why? You know, cause he's a big black kid and they are good at sports n' shit! But wait he's not good at reading or blocking on the o-line, WHA WHA WHA! How could this be? Big Black is also having issues with the gang bangers back home, UH-OH, what can Sassy Sandy do about that? Well she's more than just a frail figured woman with a big mouth! She struts her sassy ass down to that hood and tells the gang banger, "You threaten my son, you threaten me!" This film is based on a "true story" yet at this point in the trailer we don't see Sassy Sandy get SHOT IN THE FUCKIN FACE! She struts off to tell Big Black in football practice to look at the quarterback and play like he's protecting her, CUT TO HIM BEING THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMAN OF ALL TIME!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE isn't the right thing I'm looking to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

All in all, this shit is really getting old, and the fact that someone is proud of making a film that deals with numerous racial, gender, and class stereotypes with no maturity or depth (pretty much kid-gloves) is an ongoing problem in film since it's creation. Don't give a dollar to this flick, but if you want to watch good cinema with African-Americans that aren't as stereotypical go see Antwone Fisher, Soul Food, Cadence, or even the 1968 Night Of The Living Dead, all much more powerful and under-appreciated.