Hello Friendly Neighborhood Rapist!

So the code to my apartment complex's front door was changed today... I think I'm to blame. I have a lot of friends that live in apartments and I never know the etiquette with the "buzzing me in" thing... let me explain...

I used to live in an apt. with my mom and I'd forget the front entrance key, but kept a front apt. door key under the mat, all I ever needed was someone to let me into the complex THAT I LIVED IN. But people would stare me right in the face as they closed the glass door behind them. I would even try to explain, "I lost the key for this door, could you let me in?" The response... "No, I don't feel comfortable with that!" SLAM. Then you'd see that person 50 times in the elevator and I'd want to say SEE BITCH, I LIVED HERE AND YOU LOCKED ME OUT! I COULD OF DIED, IT'S SAN FRAN-FUCKIN-CISCO, THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THIS GODDAMNED ASYLUM! But instead you just have that amazingly awkward quiet time in the elevator previously discussed.

But sometimes, when the moon is full and the small-ass mailboxes are full, just sometimes, God shines down on you when you're going to your girlfriends apt. and the guy in fornt of you unlocking the entrance way door, will let you in... see it's this ripple that has thrown me off in my adulthood.

I'm a nice guy, and I assume other people are too, but when people who don't know me let me into their apartment doorway, I feel a fragmented awkwardness after this occurrence and sex. Let me explain. After sex I sometimes feel compelled to say THANK YOU, like it was a favor, but after being let into an apartment complex I feel disdain for the person who let me in. I start thinking, OH MY GOD, THIS GUY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME, I COULD BE A RAPIST OR MURDERER, AND WHEN YOU SEE THE AMBULANCE AND SEE THE NEWS REPORT LATER THAT NIGHT YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT YOUR... COURTESY.

Isn't that kinda fucked up? I wanted to be nice this weekend and saw this guy standing by my entrance way with his bike, he was older, with a stained shirt, and was struggling a little. I had to make a choice, go in and close the door behind me, or be nice and help the guy out (since i had been in his shoes). I opened the door and said, "you're not a rapist or nothing, right?" He smiled, I saw he had no front teeth, I caught a wiff of his stench, and he started to laugh the most MANIACAL LAUGH, hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe...

It was too late, he already had his hand on the door... I checked the news that night and looked out the windows for flashing lights... nothing... checked Westside Rentals and we have a new vacancy... I'm sorry.

Get Off D'z Nuts

Hey evil four letter (ESPN)! Now that most of the anger from our UW loss has subsided I can humbly ask for one favor. You overrate us and then say STUPID SHIT like, "SC's o-line's so good, you could place me (Rece Davis) behind center and they won't miss a beat!"
Then when Corp craps himself, "After the half you can tell Corp isn't right, why leave him in?"

My request to every analyst, color man, and cognitive sports masturbater, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

NO WE COULDN'T JUST PLOP YOUR DORKY ASS UNDER CENTER RECE!
NO, MARK MAY WE CAN'T JUST RELOAD, YOU WHITE WASHED BALL WASHER.
JESSE PALMER... NOTHING SAYS FOOTBALL LIKE FROSTED TIPS, DOUCHE.

SC is a good team in a country full of 'em and we get caught sleeping every year, why is ESPN still talking about it, Miley Cyrus sold out the god damned staple center here people!

Hello... SHH! We're in an elevator for God's sake!

Does anyone talk in elevators?... You only really notice when you're in an elevator that doesn't have muzak (which isn't as bad as people think, Kenny G. and Mikie Bolton never pushed the envelope, but never offended anybody either). I have broken down all of the conversations I've had in my entire life while in an elevator by race and gender of the participants:

Convo #1 (most frequent occurrence)
Race: Whites
Gender: Males
Situation: the elevator is stopping at numerous stops, the conversation participant states, "WOW, GLAD I CAUGHT THE EXPRESS!" I fake laugh, smile or chuckle...
END OF INTERACTION

Convo #2
Race: Whites, Blacks, Latinos
Gender: Males or older Females
Situation: The elevator stops at the stop before yours and you, not paying attention (probably on the phone), start to leave. You sometimes bump into each other or nearly miss bumping into them. You state, "Whoa, sorry 'bout that, wrong floor,". Conversation participant states, "No biggie, happens to me all the time,"...
END OF INTERACTION

Convo #3
Race: Blacks and Latinos (some younger whites)
Gender: Male
Situation: You are on an elevator with some of my fellow colored brothers and a young woman (not necessarily attractive). She usually gets off first, almost as if we are all waiting her out and purposefully missing our stops just to have this interaction. She leaves and someone initiates (place misogynist comment here). Some examples could be, "I'd hit that", "did you see those titties", "spinner", (I heard my grandpa say this once) "check out the yams on that gam!" But sometimes, and believe you me I love these sometimes, it gets downgraded to a simple SMILE and NOD by the guys acknowledging they just saw someone from the opposite sex, and it's always followed by (my favorite part) a laugh!
END OF INTERACTION
Why do we laugh? Most of the time for me it's laughing at the ridiculousness that grown-ass men are simply tickled pink by seeing a girl and acknowledging that we aren't homosexual. Way to go, guys!

Convo #4
Race: Asians
Gender: Both
Situation: You're on an elevator, a person from the land of the Orient gets on. You say hi...
END OF INTERACTION
I've lived in SF and my gf now lives in Koreatown, I have HARLDY EVER been spoken to by people of Asian decent that I didn't already know. One time I got a smirk...

Reoccurring situation, not a conversation
Race: Whites
Gender: Younger Females
Situation: You walk in the elevator and two SWFs are in the midst of a conversation about SOMEONE WHO YOU DON'T EVEN FUCKIN' KNOW. As you're walking in, one says something like, "... and then she said..." at that point they give you a look and remain quiet for the remainder of the trip. As soon as they hit their stop one says, "So anyway..." and they continue their conversation. As if I'm uber-nark or the start of THE MOST ULTIMATE TELEPHONE GAME OF ALL-TIME and what they are saying will somehow get back to the person they're talking shit about. JUST KEEP FUCKIN' TALKING instead of making everyone feel like a ear-hustling-leper.

In short, TRY TALKING TO SOMEONE ON AN ELEVATOR! I know it's a super small and intimate space that you're sharing with someone you don't know! And most of the time you've seen elevators in movies or TV, someone is either fucking in it (The Aerosmith song) or stuck in it (a great Saved By The Bell earthquake episode). So, I get the nervousness, but come on, I can only fervently stare at the numbers counting down for about 5 floors before I WANT TO FUCKIN' SCREAM! "WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?!"
... and my best friend is Asian so I can't be racist...

Hella Proud

Not to minimize how tough it must have been for Anne Frank... but shit ain't easy being a bay area sports fan living in LA... Hiding in plain sight, while keeping my mouth shut as people talk about how the Dodgers are going to run the table or how Kobe will be better than Jordan! When wearing my Giants hat cholos downtown ask if I'm a Giants fan, I frantically tell them, "No I just love gangbangin' so much I had to go out and buy the Seven Four (SF) Hoovers hat!"

In all seriousness, Seven Four hoovers are a pretty legit gang, and have a way higher slugging percentage than the Gigantes.

After seeing my Giants get reamed by the Dodgers last week, and seeing the hopes of just a playoff run kindle and dwindle all in the span of a week... I must say that a bastion of hope still glimmers. This weekend I will be at the San Francisco Saloon amongst other Northerns rooting, hoping, praying that we can sweep this series!

Throughout the entire Annie Frank book I thought to myself, ANNE BABY BAUBE, TAKE OFF THE GOD DAMNED NECKLACE THAT TELLS EVERYONE YOUR JEWISH AND LIVE YO LIFE! But she didn't, she stayed in her attic, ate her stale attic bread, and lived her scary attic life... too proud to say I AM NOT A JEW! Well... I AM A GIANTS FAN! I AM A WARRIORS FAN! I AM A PANTHER FAN... yeah that last one is a leap but the Raiders are owned by the devil and the Niners fans eat fancy cheeses during the game.

I've been scoffed at by angels fans after our world series loss and have had my car window smashed in by Dodger fans after going to a Burrito truck (dodger fans take their baseball and burritos very seriously apparently). But that doesn't stop me from singing the praises of THE FREAK, KUNG-FU PANDA, and GILROY GARLIC FRIES... the later is not a clever player nickname, but it should be!

All in all, I see where little Annie Frank (wait is Frank even a jewish name? shouldn't it be Frankenberg or Frankenstein?) was coming from and respect for her overflows in me like a topped off Anchorsteam, but I will not let the hoards win, I will root for my teams like the Mensch I am, I WILL REPRESENT THE BAY TO THE FULLEST... unless those guys who broke my window show up again, then it's all about Seven Four Hoovers.

Bad Roommates Build Character

Much like a big nose or growing up the fat kid, I now know that bitch roommates makes you appreciative of shit! Now keep in mind when I use the word bitch I am not using it in hip-hop terms to refer to every woman, only the lowest rung of naggery and bullshittyness in womandom that brings all of you good girls down...
I have just gotten out of a bitch roommate situation recently and have lived with some pretty assholey females before.

My first experience was with a long time girlfriend that I lived with in LA. I was coming to the southland for college at USC, she was from here and told me the best place for us to live was CARSON. If you are not familiar, Carson is an hour and a half bus ride away... We broke up, not just because of that, but other things got it to the point were I was so bitter toward her I started withholding sex from her... What did she do? SHE TOLD HER MOM ON ME! How do I know this? Her mom called me and asked me, WHY ARE YOU NOT HAVING SEX WITH MY DAUGHTER!?! A LITTLE CREEPY NO?

Another girlfriend of mine made me take about 3 - 5 showers a day, not because I was a professional runner or had a large sweat gland, but because SHE DIDN'T WANT BUGS IN HER BED! WTF, I never knew I was a bug ridden slime bucket... probably because I didn't sleep in parks and hang out with the homeless, but I'm sure other bug ridden slime buckets that she dated set a bad precedence.

BUT AT LEAST I WAS HAVING SEX WITH THESE CHICKS! The most recent bitch roommate wasn't even giving me cooch, yet felt responsible to constantly email me about the DVD player being on, the bathroom window not being opened after showers, and me having sex too loud at 10am on a Sunday (well maybe she was a devout catholic and I never knew). At least if you are going to nag me, throw some cooter my way! She was the kind of bitch that would see you watching the season finale of Lost and want to talk to you about her day. A 33 year old loser who quit her good job to become a yogi, and stated that she wanted friends, not roommates... There are tons of roommates that you wouldn't necessarily call friends but pay their bills on time and don't get in your way. She was the type of old broad who would say things like, "you're 27 that's right in my dating wheel house!" yeah but ugly wasn't in my fucking wheelhouse toots.

So ladies...
1) Know who you're living with before you move in, so you know what you're getting into. If you don't have a strong enough foundation laid, the move-in will be the nail in your relationship coffin.
2) Nagging won't change anything at anytime EVER, it only makes it worse (or pushes someone to only do the bear minimum so they don't have to hear your mouth).
3) Pick your battles, and don't tell me the size of my carbon footprint is the problem in our world cause I threw a banana in the garbage and not in a bio-degradable compost heap that didn't exist until the cool neighbor down stairs made it.
4) Oh... and check that you flushed before you leave the bathroom... That's just a note in general.