Gay Guilt...

If you read my blog about the (I can't believe I'm saying this) HIT MOVIE "The Blindside" I talked about White Guilt. Simply put, it's when white people overcompensate in there interactions with blacks (and minorities, in general) due to feeling bad about what (in general) there grandaddies did to our grandaddies... I SUFFER FROM SOMETHING I CALL, GAY GUILT!

Growing up in San Fran and a large gay population made me want to appreciate gay culture. Growing up in San Fran and a large homophobic population made me really good at finding degrading euphemisms for anal sex. Due to this paradox I find myself wanting gays to like me, not just wanting, actually YEARNING WITH THE PASSION OF CHRIST, that gay dudes think I'm cool. I find myself using my free time BONING UP (rimshot... not rim-job, rim shot) on things gays dudes like: So You Think You Can Dance, Celebrity Gossip, and specialty vodka drinks with purreed berries, all so I can have those little points of reference, that seem like throw-away lines, but are actually calculated nuances that show gay dudes that, "I'm one of the good ones!"

At a recent party I surveyed the room and caught a couple flamers in my cross-hairs, BAM, I rush over to stand near them. I ear-hustled, waiting, wishing, hoping, for that perfect opportunity!

Gay dude #1, "Oh my god, it's my favorite show right now!"

Gay dude #2, "The one when they get the Santa Claus fired was HIL-arious!"

GREENLIGHT!

I found myself quickly turning around and saying, "Yeah, Modern Family is the best written show on TV right now!"

YES! These two are now in my gay wheelhouse (not to be confused with a euphemism for anal sex, see, I told you I was good at it).

I don't know why I do it, and what is the true reaction from my gay prey, but I'm usually greeted with a smile and a "Yeah, I know, right?"

I feel good, in some sheepish way, that I, much like Scott Bakula, have the opportunity to put right what once went wrong in my high school hallways back home. For instance, I used to utter subtle good mornings like this: "Hey butt-bungler! Is that gel in your hair? Or did your boyfriend spray some jizz in it!" Or "Hey fag-atron did you get your 'oil checked' last night (wink, wink)?"

Who knows how many of my friends were closeted... or had a cousin who was... or a both parents who were... Now that I'm a teacher, I know I could have been offending half the faculty and staff with hate filled words on a constant basis! So now I find myself... walking the long long road of redemption... one homosexual at a time... wish me luck... and send your gays my way for a good time!

P.S. My all time favorite anal euphemism is still, "Hey queer, I heard your favorite cartoon is, TAIL SPIN (pelvic thrust) get it, get it!?!"