Friday, February 19, 2010

Part 3 In The Series!

3) Oh, those gays!?! Like the prefect hybrid of humanity, the sweet sensibilities of a woman with the bold brashness of a man = FLAMINGLY FUNNY!

Thank you Will and Grace for bringing the fag-hag into the lime light. Before that, the most famous funny gay, other than Jim J. Bullock was Serge from Beverly Hills Cop, or as I like to call it, "What Balki Did On His Summer Vacation!" (If you didn't get the Center Square dude reference, I tossed you a perfect stranger softball)

Now it's all the rage for a hip chick to have that awesome gay friend to shop with, chat about boys with, and to get into hijinks with? I get it, gay dudes are cool cause they still give you male attention, like the same things you like, and gets off on pumping up your ego with constant praise about how you look like Doris Day or a young Judy Garland! So these truths, which are self-evident, naturally attract women to gay dudes, but where does the funny come in?

1 - THEY FUCKING TALK FUNNY! Yeah, lisps! Under the realm of accent/impresion LISPS MAKE PEOPLE TALK DIFFERENT, which as stated before, WOMEN GO GAGA FOR!

2 - THEY TELL IT HOW IT IS! Think of a sassy black women, white people love 'em, but think of a sassy black woman who goes for the jugular while wearing a brooks brothers suit and not being as intimidating as a black person... THERE YOU HAVE IT, WHITE WOMAN HILARITY KRYPTONITE! So many gay characters have been depicted as shit talkers and rabble-rousers for the sake of a laugh, mostly because women love there I DON'T GIVE A FUCK style ... so they keep getting paraded in all of these shitty sitcoms and chick flicks.

3 - THEY ARE INTEGRAL FOR THE MAKEOVER MONTAGE! Yeah you can do the hot chicks makeover montage, but nothing, NOTHING, is better than a bunch of queens armed with tweezers, Mac eye shadow, and flat irons! Oh wait I'm wrong, add a terrible 80's synth laden pop song and a girl is on cloud fuckin' 9!

A sitcom staple tomorrow, BAD DANCING...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

What Girls Find Funny 2

2) Accents are gold! There must of been at least 6 characters with fucking accents that got big laughs in the shitflick Valentine's Day...

Were they especially important to the plot or dynamic in any way, no, THEY JUST TALKED ENGLISH FUNNY!

A Mexican flower salesman with a thick accent told an Eastern European woman to, "LEARN ENGLISH AND COME BACK."


Really? An accent is a cheap Improv parlor trick at best, when all else fails make a funny voice! It's that annoying shit that you see at "Girl Parties" when they get drunk and tell the "funny one" (normally the chubby one or the one that drives) to DO IT, DO IT, DO THE IMPRESSION of that one girl we don't like... or our old boss... or fucking Ghandi! It doesn't matter, the impression, inflection, or accent, NEVER SOUNDS GOOD!

So one can easily believe that these following scenes would steal a comedy geared toward females... Hollywood you're welcome.

A Chinese Waiter -

White Customer: I want item X.

Chinese Waiter: (thick accent) Wha? Yu whan Y?

W.C.: No, I want X.

C.W.: Yu whan Y.


C.W.: ... y?


HUGE African Bellhop - "Going UP or DOWN" (in that low african accent baritone) throw in a big dick joke (which much to my dismay, white girls still seem to think is funny) for good measure.

A girl with a high pitch squeal gets excited about something inconsequential... so annoying... yet SNL women have paid for their grandkids college tuitions off of this one. I

Cute Canadian Actor on a comedy show... damn it Tina Fey (30 Rock) made that funny for everyone... oh yeah and that reminds me, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT CHARACTER? He went the way of the middle sister on Family Matters, sad, so sad.

But the all-time classic for most Anglo-saxons with femininity, JEWISH MOTHER IN-LAWS!!!!



There is another speech inflection that kills the ladies, it's a group I LLLLOOOOOVVVVEEEE! I'll save them for tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Female Funny F-ing beFuddles Me!

So you're telling me if you put a shit load of beautiful hollywood stars in a movie about a "holiday", and release it on said "holiday" that that it will be successful? FUCK YEAH I AM! Guys will get their pseudo "star-laden-fix" when The Expendables comes out, starring every defunct action icon from our youth. BUT FIRST LET'S TALK ABOUT THE LADIES!

I found myself one of the few sausages in a taco-fest this weekend at Valentines Day. It took all types, old broads, young ladies, asians chicks, pregos, you name the type of tang and it was there... mostly without a dude. And all to witness the never ending and always boring conversation about the validity of fucking valentines. The same stupid debate that single people have with hitched couples every year, WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? This flaming piece of donkey ass does little more than pontificate at nauseam. ultimately doing nothing more than conceding by showing you a bunch of shallow vignettes of stereotypes ranging from dream guys cheating, old folks lying, best friends of the opposite sex being meant for each other, and of course ever woman's favorite, THE GAYS!

I learned very little about what love is from this movie as it slightly dabbled with a "movie love" concept where two people can be dating for two weeks but know... "This is the one." One scene in particular described love as, "something you just fall into... you can't plan for it or expect it, it just happens." FUCK THAT! LOVE IS FUCKING TOUGH! It's an everyday compromise of who you are and what you want to be. It's putting aside your own ego and way of life for the fun times that you can share with another person and the hope that you won't die alone. It's the maturity of forgiveness and the letting go of shit you said you would never stand for. It's opening yourself up to get hurt 100 times before you finally (and hopefully) get it right, only to still be hurt by more insignificant issues. LOVE IS FUCKING TOUGH... and it pains me to see young women (as that is who this movie is catered to) being sold this Disneyland bullshit as a potential reality if they are lucky enough. I learned nothing about love, but I did learn a lot about what women find funny, which I don't get at all!

1) It starts with little kids! Hey here is a 6 year old sitting under a tree, AWE!

Oh, but here is a 7 year old waiting at a bus stop in a little suit! HAHAHA, AWE!

But wait there's more, what about a 10 year old boy giving a 10 year old girl a rose, getting kissed on the cheek, and when his eyes get big, he makes a WHOOZA face! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA, COMEDIC GOLD!!!


Hey lets get a movie with kids teaching a bunch of puppies in a math class, HAHAHA, YEAH CUTENESS!

WHY FUCKING STOP THERE MAN, we can get kids to do real adult type shit like having to pick up their credit card from the bar they drunkingly left it at the night before,YEAH!

Or kids with hemorrhoids sitting with one of those ass donuts, WOOHOO!

The creme de la creme could be kid detectives solving the case of a kid meth head who ODed in the kid state senate building after defiling a kid hooker, DIGGERY DOO DAD DO, IT'S FUNNY CAUSE THEY'RE MOTHER FUCKING KIDS!

They're just smaller versions of people with normal sized heads! This ain't Buster Keaton spinning on a ladder proped up on a moving train, or witty Bill Murray one-liners in bootcamp. IT'S KIDS DOING SHIT, ANY OLD SHIT AT ALL! How the hell is this funny?

Over the next 5 days I'll be adding to the list of non-funny shit that makes girls smile and laugh, use it as a tool gentlemen, use it to your advantage, they out number us so you get enough of the ladies to co-sign on you and you'll be set for life...

just and FYI, females fucking hate me.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

THREE, TWO, ONE... Don't Be In L.A.!

I have done New Years in San Francisco, New York, Vegas, EVEN F'IN ZAMBIA... but if I had to DROP A BALL on one city during New Years... IT WOULD HAVE TO BE LOS ANGELES! LA sucks for NYE...

1) It's a transient city, and due to the holidays, most of the people who don't have family here have to go home for Christmas or Hanukkah. They end up stayin' 'til after the New Year. Sucks for me, cause most of the best people you're gonna find in this cesspool of vanity and douchery are from out of town!

2) It's a driving city, AND PEOPLE LIKE TO GET DRUNK! So how are they gonna get around? You are asking for a DUI if you drive on NYE in LA. Check points are every two blocks, but your BFF, who is still in town, is having a GOD-DAMNED PARTY IN SILVERLAKE, It's not an option if you live in GOD-DAMNED VENICE... Screw you gluttonous landowning prospecting mid-19th century settlers! Your greed 250 years ago has made me have to chance a possible DUI for a good time more than I'd like to divulge! You shoulda built upwards not outwards, assholes!

3) It's a city with too many other options. Hey let's do Vegas! or Gas Lamp District should be poppin'!, Phoenix is only 4 hours away..., FUCK IT: WE'RE DOING LSD IN YELLOWSTONE!!! LA is so perfectly centralized to cool shit (once again I curse you early foresight having settlers!) that no one is around on the champagne poppin' extravaganza that is New Years!

4) It's a money making city! Everyone is charging for something on the 31st of December.

Mansion party $150, then come to find out that it's more of a highfalutin townhouse and the "open bar" was CLOSED at 10:30!

Local bar/pub $40, Hey that's cool we'll just go to O'Malley's or Barabara's Bar Bar. Then at the door you're hit up for cash, "Jimmy I've puked, shat, and pissed in your bathrooms more times than I care to recount and now you're hittin' me up for dough? THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE PUKE, SHIT, AND PISS!"

In SF and NY we could walk around and be invited into random homes to join the festivities, but LA is a skittish red-headed rape victim of a city! Most people don't say hi or even welcome you into their place of business let alone their home... which brings me to a sad reality.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Gay Guilt...

If you read my blog about the (I can't believe I'm saying this) HIT MOVIE "The Blindside" I talked about White Guilt. Simply put, it's when white people overcompensate in there interactions with blacks (and minorities, in general) due to feeling bad about what (in general) there grandaddies did to our grandaddies... I SUFFER FROM SOMETHING I CALL, GAY GUILT!

Growing up in San Fran and a large gay population made me want to appreciate gay culture. Growing up in San Fran and a large homophobic population made me really good at finding degrading euphemisms for anal sex. Due to this paradox I find myself wanting gays to like me, not just wanting, actually YEARNING WITH THE PASSION OF CHRIST, that gay dudes think I'm cool. I find myself using my free time BONING UP (rimshot... not rim-job, rim shot) on things gays dudes like: So You Think You Can Dance, Celebrity Gossip, and specialty vodka drinks with purreed berries, all so I can have those little points of reference, that seem like throw-away lines, but are actually calculated nuances that show gay dudes that, "I'm one of the good ones!"

At a recent party I surveyed the room and caught a couple flamers in my cross-hairs, BAM, I rush over to stand near them. I ear-hustled, waiting, wishing, hoping, for that perfect opportunity!

Gay dude #1, "Oh my god, it's my favorite show right now!"

Gay dude #2, "The one when they get the Santa Claus fired was HIL-arious!"


I found myself quickly turning around and saying, "Yeah, Modern Family is the best written show on TV right now!"

YES! These two are now in my gay wheelhouse (not to be confused with a euphemism for anal sex, see, I told you I was good at it).

I don't know why I do it, and what is the true reaction from my gay prey, but I'm usually greeted with a smile and a "Yeah, I know, right?"

I feel good, in some sheepish way, that I, much like Scott Bakula, have the opportunity to put right what once went wrong in my high school hallways back home. For instance, I used to utter subtle good mornings like this: "Hey butt-bungler! Is that gel in your hair? Or did your boyfriend spray some jizz in it!" Or "Hey fag-atron did you get your 'oil checked' last night (wink, wink)?"

Who knows how many of my friends were closeted... or had a cousin who was... or a both parents who were... Now that I'm a teacher, I know I could have been offending half the faculty and staff with hate filled words on a constant basis! So now I find myself... walking the long long road of redemption... one homosexual at a time... wish me luck... and send your gays my way for a good time!

P.S. My all time favorite anal euphemism is still, "Hey queer, I heard your favorite cartoon is, TAIL SPIN (pelvic thrust) get it, get it!?!"

Monday, December 14, 2009

A Letter to All USC Fans...

Well we had a good run! 7 years of Pac-10 dominance, 1 1/2 National Championships, and 3 Heismans is nothing to scoff about... By the way, how does one scoff? Is it like a cough with a scowl... but I digress, like all dynasties it comes to an end.

Look at The Miamis, Nebraskas, and Oklahomas... all dominant programs that turn-over finally eroded to mediocre teams at best. In the case of SC, it's turn-over and then some... after losing Norm Chow things were still top shelf in south central, but now that Nick Holt, Lane Kiffin, Sark, and Pat Rhuel are gone the coaching product is diluted. My question isn't why did they leave, most can agree Pete's domineering personality and need for total control is a factor. But my question is, what are we left with? A BUNCH OF CAROLL SLACKIES! We have a bunch of "yes" men that take the brunt of the bad call blame, and NEVER CHALLENGE CZAR PETE! Bates takes the blame for bad play calls in loses... shit he even took the blame for the UCLA tack on touchdown that all the cry-baby fucla douches were bitching about.

Pete has said in loses that "we over-schemed" and got beat. It was well known that when Norm was here it was about simplifying the playbook and adjusting at the half. Now we have stubborn "over" game-planing and recruiting injury prone studs. On defense we can't fill a lane to stop a running quarterback, we have showboating underclassmen that have no discipline (look at our penalties over the last 4 years), and a freshman quarterback that has never won a big one (and has thrown 30 interceptions in the last 2 years)! Pete was cocky enough to start a freshman quarterback simply because he wanted to give everyone who doubts him a big FU! I'M FUCKING PETE CAROLL, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! And yes, after the Ohio State game I thought, "holy shit I was wrong, Pete did it again." Now I'm wondering why the fuck are we wasting scholorships on Mustain and Corp if they will never play? Why is Pete washing Barkley's nuts too the point of saying, "he is just as good as any quarterback we've had here!" Palmer, Lienart, and Sanchez were players... Barkley is a kid in over his head with little to no leadership qualities (as of now).

Well at least there is that Emerald Nuts bowl to look forward to! OH WAIT, our guy's egos are fluffed bigger than John Holmes' wang! Pete has taught them to stay loose (84 penalties for 761 yards) and have a swagger like The U (watch that 30 for 30 movie). So when you get a disappointing season, how do these kinds of kids react... LIKE SPOILED BRATS! USC GAVE UP AT ARIZONA". " (<- This is my attempt at a point blank) Our kids didn't care cause we now have pissy prima-donnas, who don't feel like they are playing for anything... I guess pride isn't anything of importance.

Pete has said that the Emerald Bowl is the start for the 2010 season... he's blowing smoke up our asses and the only way SC will win is if the ACC is as bad as we think it is. Normally the school of thought here is, we're going to be angry so look out, but after watching a mediocre Zona team march down the field on us, and we answer the call with a mouse fart, I can't be too enthusiastic about our desire to win a middle of the pack bowl game against a team no one has even seen... Sadly, it greatly depends on what Pete can muster out of a beaten team. We aren't going to get any better until we actually aggressively acquire strong minded coordinators on both sides of the ball that will change the entitled culture of a once dominant team...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Chill Out On The Asians!

It is an unwritten rule that everyone can make jokes about their own race, to others in their race... but you're a bigot if you make fun of someone outside of your race... except if your talking shit about ASIANS that is.

After watching several politically incorrect cartoons and seeing people crack up when Clint Eastwood called a kid a "slope" in Gran Torino... I have finally noticed something, Asians are an easy go-to for a laugh, but why?

I have several humble opinions on the matter.

1) I was the funny token black guy in an Asian clique back home in SF. I was co-signed by one of this one dude I went to school with, and there by allowed to make jokes about all of them when we all hung out. Plus I'm mixed, so I could joke about black folks... or whites... even latinos... BUT NOT MIDDLE-EASTERNS, cause I'm not one, and they're kinda scarier than white folks in the south at this point... But I digress, during this time I learned that not a lot of people know about Chinese, Japanese, or Korean culture (not to mention some people don't even know what the fuck a Laotian even is). This leads to stereotyping based on glances at the culture. So you get classics like people slanting their eyes or simply saying CHING CHONG CHING CHING...

2) Part of the reason people don't know a lot about Asian cultures is the fact that they are very "clique-ish". Either they are a Banana (yellow on the outside, White on the inside) that only hangs out with whites and don't "own" their culture. F.O.B. (fresh of the boat) and only hang out with other people from their homeland. Or worse yet Azian, so anti-F.O.B. that they are an eclectic mix of the annoyingly generic aspects of hip-hop culture, and hang out with other douches that do the same. Yes, they're always exceptions to this, but the fact that several variations of these stereotypes exist makes it hard for other Americans to learn about these people.

3) Not a lot of people grow up with people of Asian decent. I was lucky enough, but most other people don't take the time to leave their little comfortable box and talk to Asian kids. So if you hang around people who aren't Asian and you make fun of them everyone can laugh at the expense of the someone who isn't in the room. NO HARM NO FOUL, in most peoples opinions.

4) Lastly, they talk funny, look different, but most of all THEY ARE UN-INTIMIDATING... you make fun of Blacks (in a large enough forum) and Sharpton and Jackson could knock on your door... or (in a smaller forum) you get your ass kicked. If it gets around that you make fun of Jews, you don't get work. If you make fun of Latinos, you can very easily get stabbed to death in an alley. WHAT THE FUCK IS A CAMBODIAN GONNA DO? Name 1 great civil rights activist that was Asian? Asians are generally seen as more docile, so they get the shit piled on.

5) But is the shit always bad? OH WOW, you are good at math, that's way better than people thinking you're going to rob them or that you're cheap. Oh, and the language thing, I did a Thai accent during a stand-up gig for a bunch of Jamaican people once, and it killed... and the whole time I thought, "MOTHA FUCKAS YOU CAN BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH YOURSELVES!" Chalk it up to the double-standard of society, I guess. Oh, but I know what your thinking right now... "what about the stereotype that Asians can't drive, that's negative!?!" No... no it's not a negative stereotype... it is actually a statistically proven occurrence and therefore not stereotypical at all. THANKS FOR READING!