Thursday, August 27, 2009

Fuck a finger, give me the HAND!



When I let you merge into my lane at the last minute, ALL I WANT IS THE HAND! A simple wave goes a long way. I'll even settle for a simple five finger raise while your hand is on the steering wheel. I don't have to let you get out of that parking lot if you're going left, BUT I DID AND WANT RETRIBUTION! People in California drive like shit, we all know it, but if we come together and show even an ounce of respect to each other all of our days will be that much better. SO START RAISING A GOD DAMNED HAND TO PEOPLE WHO HELP YOU OUT. Stop speeding up on the freeway when I turn my blinker on to get in your lane! Get the fuck over when I'm going the speed limit in the fast lane and you're going 35. TURN RIGHT ON RED WITH YOUR EXPIRED TAGS ON YOUR SHIT 300ZX! I don't owe you shit on the road so I could give a fuck if you had a shitty day, get off of twitter and GIVE ME A FUCKING REAR VIEW MIRROR NOD you shitty cuntbag... I don't even know what that means, but probably offends someone, SO GOOD!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Oldest Profession












Everyone says PROSTITUTION IS THE WORLD'S OLDEST PROFESSION... Actually wouldn't that be HUNTING... I mean Cro-Magnon or not, you want some cooter, better kill you a motha fuckin' cougar or two! Shit, even GATHERING will suffice, you collect enough fishes or leaves for a shelter and that Neanderthal bitch is hella more likely to use fuckin' in an exchange... So stop saying that hoin' is the world's first trade, cause if dudes didn't have a bargaining chip to lure the panoch, there wouldn't be nothin' but a lot of head bludgeoning and rapin' going on... I'm just saying!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Gloriously Good!


Just saw "Inglourious Basterds" and LOVED IT. I hate misspelled movies titles, THIS MEANS YOU "Pursuit of Happyness", but this film has few negatives!
And here they are...
1) It was long in parts, Tarantino can get caught up in how well he can write dialogue. There are lot of great scenes with dudes sitting at a table going back and forth, but many of them really could of been shaved down. The audience could of been saved an extra 15 - 20 minutes easy.
2) Oh yeah, and someone please PUNCH Eli Roth in the NUTS. Yes, I'm one of the few people who loved "Cabin Fever" and his killer fruit animation thingie five years ago, but now that he's Tarantino's boy he's bigger than his britches. His one major scene in the woods is ruined cause he can't get an accent down.

NOW ON TO THE POSITIVES
1) Christoph Waltz is AMAZING. One of the most layered performances by an actor in a Nazi uniform since the the guy who shot Jacob The Liar in the face (and we all cheered, I mean Jew or not, he was a fucking liar, not cool!) The script is written so over the top, yet Waltz is able to bring hilarity in tow with anger, fear, and even likability!
2) Brad Pitt meshes Billy Bob Thorton in Sling Blade with John Wayne... and it works beautifully! Brad Pitt is one of America's best actors and is not celebrated for his talents as much as his looks, which is a varsity travesty... yeah I made that shit up, makes sense to me...
3) Robert Richardson shoots another beautiful film, great color contrasts and always meticulously framed.
4)The ending is perfect and leaves the audience with a great/disgusting taste in their mouths (Tarantino at his best).
5) The characterizing of Hitler as a near heart attack old bumbling (at times) lunatic is a brilliant stroke!
6) Shosanna's story bookends beautifully. Plus, I like the choice of her love interest being another type of "undesirable" in this world.
7) The German propaganda film is perfectly made with it's terrible stunts and over the top acting.
8) Mike Myer's cameo is oddly interesting, cause we can't help but laugh because of his persona. It seems as if he can't help but make this stupid open mouth smirk thingie. The whole scene really makes little more sense than "this is cool for cool's sake" (especially in retrospect), but in this zany world it doesn't bother me much. It's actually kind of a good break from the more drawn out scenes.
9) Most of all, I love how everyone is free game in a Tarantino film, Krauts, Negros, Hairy Jews, you name it! Denzel gave Tarantino shit a decade ago for using the word "nigger" too much, and yes sometimes it's jarring, but overall everyone is demeaned... so I feel it's all fair play. The only thing that is kind of bothersome is when you see the audience reaction to certain racial jokes, yes white guy in front of me YOU LAUGH AWKWARDLY TOO LOUD AT BLACK JOKES!
10) All in all it's a FUCKING AMAZING TIME OUT, but GO IN WITH NO EXPECTATIONS... don't you hate when people say that shit...

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Chick Flicks For Humans With Dicks


I recently had the joy of watching some great chick flicks, and now realize it's the best way for guys to appreciate guy-dom. The first occurrence was with my friend Arian. We waited for 45 minutes for a free screening of "Failure to Launch", and followed that up with Hot Wings at Hooters, equilibrium!

In NY, it was a lovely little furburger-fest with my boy Matt. A film by the name of "Over Her Dead Body", starring Paul Rudd and Eva Longoria, tickled our pinks during the humid Saturday afternoon. This masterpiece was about a guy whose GF is killed. She later comes back to earth to haunt the new chick that he is now interested in... oh did I mention, the new chick can talk to the dead! THIS IS HIGH CONCEPT AT IT'S BEST! Rudd's new girl reads tarot cards by day and has a catering business by night, WELL DUH, SHOW ME A WOMAN THAT DOESN'T. Jason Biggs is in the role of a lifetime, playing a dude that is so in love with the seance loving chica (yup, the same one that Rudd likes) that he has been faking gay for 5 years just to be around her. In his defense I think the chick's panoch spouts gold and gives you real-time sports updates! In the end, the dead Eva Longoria sees the error of her ways and lets living dogs lie, with a beautiful moral of "the only constants in this world are death and taxes" shining through (well there ain't much in the flick about taxes, but it's a cool quote from a dead guy so I wanted to use it).

Last night I saw a great little ditty called "The Proposal" pretty much starring Betty White. Yeah Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are in it, but it's pretty much the Betty White show... HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT DIRECTOR ABLE TO PITCH A BETTY WHITE DRIVEN PIECE IN HOLLYWOOD (assuming it's not the year 1945)? I don't know, but we should give her and the guy who pitched George Clooney as Batman a special "kick in the nuts award of bravery" at every Oscars. The whole point of Poor-posal is Sandy B is a B(itch), and R squared is her push-over assistant who has to marry her. WHY YOU ASK? To keep her from being deported and for him to get a promotion, silly pants! Think "The Visitor" but written by a 12 year-old. How do I know this movie isn't meant for guys?
1) It's about a fucking cougar, and she's not just getting young dick and happy for it, she actually wants to marry the guy.
2) It has a scene where a fat Mexican stripper dances for old white ladies in a honky-tonk bar in Alaska.
3) It has another scene where an unbelievably cute dog gets picked up by a hawk and Sandy B has to catch it (BUT ULTIMATELY FALLS DOWN AND LOOKS STUPID, WAKA WAKA WAKA!)
4) The pinnacle for me was the scene where Bullucks has to do an indian dance to Lil' Jon's, "Get Low" (which I'm sure every mid-30s successful Canadian book editor knows word for word as shown here!).

It just seems to me that a lot of girls hate horror as a genre because it's so formulaic and character choices make no sense. Yet chick flicks follow the same archetypes, and seemingly stop any semblance of plot just to tell the audience a joke (or show them a stupid slapsticky aside). Plus they throw on bullshit fairy tale endings that are just as convoluted as psychopathic killers who take out a camps filled with hot half-naked co-eds! SO, If your feeling bad about your relationship and lack of career success, my advice to you... drink heavily, call your best dude-bro friends over and engage in wasting two hours of your life with a chick flick... if you're really hardcore do the entire first season of Gossip Girl with your old high school football team!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Burn Baby Burn!


Ok, I think I fucked myself... So, a bunch of my friends are going to Burning Man this year and said last year was, "FUCKING AMAZING!!!!" I immediately bought my ticket and tried to get my girlfriend one for cheap, but she ended up spending over $300 bones (I spent over $200)! I still felt good about the purchase thinking that it's a hip fun hippie-fest and the ticket price was the worst of it... At this point I now realize, I got BURNED... (muffled chuckle)...get it... see what I did there?... Burn and Burned, contextually different but similar...

1) If this thing is a bunch of drugged up hippies in the desert (which have a special place in my heart for) WHY IS THIS SHIT SO EXPENSIVE?
So far my tally is as such...
$260 (my ticket) +
$360 (my girl's ticket) +
$60 (shitty bike that we'll leave out there) +
$130 (Bike rack that I had to buy for the shitty bike) +
$??? the stuff still pending such as: tape (for the tent), another shitty bike, lights for bike, lights for your person, costumes, and props for said costumes, food, water, and especially drugs... All in all buying this shit isn't the biggest problem, it's the time spent driving around the city and scouring Craigslist that pisses me off the most!
Not to mention I have to call in sick for 3 days of work just to have the pleasure of baking in the hot sun and being caked with sand... oh, and I forgot to mention that I'm a chubby fuck! So I'ma be that fat guy in the sweaty see-through white shirt! (I keep it on out of decency to others)!

2) How do I unload these tickets and bear the guilt trips of friends?
They already expect me to go and it's hard to deflate people's expectations. Now I have to prepare myself for the comments about me being cheap and a flake, which always suck. They'll probably partially blame my GF... that approach gives dudes the freedom to call another dude a pussy. I helped write the book on this technique, DAMN YOU COME-UP-INS!
Plus, and most importantly, I have to come to terms with the fact that as I am grandfathered into the cool liberalisms due to my origins in San Fran...
I must now realize I'm a middle-class cheapo that looks forward to reality TV (even though I tell all my friends it's beneath me),
only smokes weed when others give it to me (too expensive of a habit for my cheap ass),
and sends in a mail-in ballot every year, cause I don't want to be bothered in lines surrounded by the proletariat (plus I don't even think I fill the ballot out right half the time so my vote probably doesn't even count).
All this would make me have to hand in my Bay Area Card, AND PEOPLE THINK I'M A PLATINUM MEMBER!!! That just can't happen.

3) Don't you hate when people tell you to go into something with no expectations?
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!? If I had no/low expectations why the fuck would I even waste my time! And this kinda malarkey always comes after a guy verbally spews a wad of hyperbole in your ear pertaining to THE BEST______, THE MOST AMAZING______, or _________WAS FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE, but go in with no expectation! FUCK YOU! As my girlfriend would say," for $300 this shit better lick my pussy and shoot me to the moon!" More eloquent pros were never crafted.

So my question to you... my question to myself... SHOULD I GET OUT NOW AND CUT MY $500 LOSSES or KEEP SHOVELING DOUGH INTO IT AND HOPE FOR THE BEST?

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Cancun... more like CanCRAZY!!!


I had to work my way through college and found myself with very little money or time to do the normal college activities like Spring Break getaways. So at the age of 27, I got revenge on the diligent Dwayne of yesteryear.

With hundreds of dollars at my disposal, I received news that my friend was getting married in CANCUN. Yes, finally I get to live a dream. Unbeknownst to me, I was going to live the dream of a 20-something douche-nozzle named Kerry from right outside of Fort Worth (yeah, a real dude I met on the plane).

The trip started off on a bad note as I lost my phone and had an over-night lay-over in Phoenix. A cab to and from a "delightful" excuse for a cantina called THE SALTY SENORITA (is that more racist than sexist or visa-versa?) cost me 60 bucks and I had to sleep on a wicker chair in front of Starbucks.

We finally get to Cancun, which has the airport code CUN, pronounced ‘COON’, which oddly enough, only I and a black dude from Memphis noticed... I looked around at the people waiting at Baggage Claim and noticed they were all either 18 or 55. Sadly, the 55-year-olds were the randiest characters in the group! Gregarious groping and mammary maiming, one guy even told his aging piece o' rear, "Get ready for a long weekend!"... Cancun throws a curveball for a strike!

My room was actually kinda sweet (look at the view from my window), but the best part: two words, ALL INCLUSIVE... FREE BEER, FOOD, and as I looked around, MORE FUCKING OLD PEOPLE! Holy crap, I got a great deal on this place but apparently, I unwittingly subscribed to a newsletter from Geriatric Travel Times! SO MUCH HALF-NAKED OLD ASS, sun-bathing and making out! I choose to hang out a lot in the room, watching telemundo shows consisting of hot chicks slapping young dudes in the face for a futbol prize packs. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS... Cancun with a heater at the knees for strike two!

At least I got comp tickets into the club next door... REWIND, so there were these two skanky chicks. One obviously had fake boobs; the other one had one of those pug noses that are only cute before you hit puberty, so these individuals grow up bitter having hit their pretty peak before they even had pubes. They were prancing around something serious, and I knew that these were the type of girls that guys come to Cancun for. Easy Peasy Japanesey!

So I get into the club for free with drink passes only to enjoy the dulcet tones of Lady Gaga wanting to ride something that doesn't even exist (you're either talking about a dick or a disco ball- choose one) and seeing girls have an ass-shaking contest on stage... FYI, the black girl won.

But immediately my attention is caught by Pug Nose making out like a like a cure for mono exists and Booby being catered to by two young Mexican dudes! I like being right. Puggy gets up with her prince charming and they go to the woman's restroom. I'm like, this is getting good, so I post-up (LITERALLY ON A POST) next to the bathroom exit... 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins... no sign of them, I need to go to el bano myself, but I need resolution. BLAMO! Security drags the two classy asses out! Dude's zipper's down and his shlong is hanging out! HEY, I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED BUT HE CAME OUT FIRST (I think)! Anyway the chick is sloppy- saying shit like, "My daddy's gonna kick your ass!" to the security guard. I go out for a stogie to see the rest of the action. Security makes our little pug-nosed princess take a seat, and then Body by Fake comes stumbling out. "Jessica!" she drunkenly spouts. Booberella takes out a phone and makes a call. Ten minutes later, an old white dude in his 50s angrily approaches, his Tommy Bahama shirt almost as red as his face! "God damn it, Deb! You were supposed to be watching her!" He then kisses, as we assume now, his fake-boobed wife! And picks up his, as we assume now, daughter in a fireman's carry. Unbeknownst to him, we can all see her underwear as he walks away with her. Homerun for me!

Daddy Dearest earns my vote for White Trash Father 2009. He brings his trophy wife and daughter to Cancun to bond, and gets livid when baby girl whores out and is shocked that his attention whore wifey wasn't more responsible! Sign me up in the "Never Doing This Shit Again" column.

That is Cancun, one more thing check off the pre-30 bucket list, and revenge is best served... for free, buffet-style and accompanied by freak shows or Mariachis!

Oh, and the wedding was beautiful by the way!