THREE, TWO, ONE... Don't Be In L.A.!

I have done New Years in San Francisco, New York, Vegas, EVEN F'IN ZAMBIA... but if I had to DROP A BALL on one city during New Years... IT WOULD HAVE TO BE LOS ANGELES! LA sucks for NYE...

1) It's a transient city, and due to the holidays, most of the people who don't have family here have to go home for Christmas or Hanukkah. They end up stayin' 'til after the New Year. Sucks for me, cause most of the best people you're gonna find in this cesspool of vanity and douchery are from out of town!

2) It's a driving city, AND PEOPLE LIKE TO GET DRUNK! So how are they gonna get around? You are asking for a DUI if you drive on NYE in LA. Check points are every two blocks, but your BFF, who is still in town, is having a GOD-DAMNED PARTY IN SILVERLAKE, It's not an option if you live in GOD-DAMNED VENICE... Screw you gluttonous landowning prospecting mid-19th century settlers! Your greed 250 years ago has made me have to chance a possible DUI for a good time more than I'd like to divulge! You shoulda built upwards not outwards, assholes!

3) It's a city with too many other options. Hey let's do Vegas! or Gas Lamp District should be poppin'!, Phoenix is only 4 hours away..., FUCK IT: WE'RE DOING LSD IN YELLOWSTONE!!! LA is so perfectly centralized to cool shit (once again I curse you early foresight having settlers!) that no one is around on the champagne poppin' extravaganza that is New Years!

4) It's a money making city! Everyone is charging for something on the 31st of December.

Mansion party $150, then come to find out that it's more of a highfalutin townhouse and the "open bar" was CLOSED at 10:30!

Local bar/pub $40, Hey that's cool we'll just go to O'Malley's or Barabara's Bar Bar. Then at the door you're hit up for cash, "Jimmy I've puked, shat, and pissed in your bathrooms more times than I care to recount and now you're hittin' me up for dough? THIS PLACE SMELLS LIKE PUKE, SHIT, AND PISS!"

In SF and NY we could walk around and be invited into random homes to join the festivities, but LA is a skittish red-headed rape victim of a city! Most people don't say hi or even welcome you into their place of business let alone their home... which brings me to a sad reality.

HEY UMBUTO, WHAT'S POPPIN' IN THE SUB-SAHARA, SON?!