I had to work my way through college and found myself with very little money or time to do the normal college activities like Spring Break getaways. So at the age of 27, I got revenge on the diligent Dwayne of yesteryear.
With hundreds of dollars at my disposal, I received news that my friend was getting married in CANCUN. Yes, finally I get to live a dream. Unbeknownst to me, I was going to live the dream of a 20-something douche-nozzle named Kerry from right outside of Fort Worth (yeah, a real dude I met on the plane).
The trip started off on a bad note as I lost my phone and had an over-night lay-over in Phoenix. A cab to and from a "delightful" excuse for a cantina called THE SALTY SENORITA (is that more racist than sexist or visa-versa?) cost me 60 bucks and I had to sleep on a wicker chair in front of Starbucks.
We finally get to Cancun, which has the airport code CUN, pronounced ‘COON’, which oddly enough, only I and a black dude from Memphis noticed... I looked around at the people waiting at Baggage Claim and noticed they were all either 18 or 55. Sadly, the 55-year-olds were the randiest characters in the group! Gregarious groping and mammary maiming, one guy even told his aging piece o' rear, "Get ready for a long weekend!"... Cancun throws a curveball for a strike!
My room was actually kinda sweet (look at the view from my window), but the best part: two words, ALL INCLUSIVE... FREE BEER, FOOD, and as I looked around, MORE FUCKING OLD PEOPLE! Holy crap, I got a great deal on this place but apparently, I unwittingly subscribed to a newsletter from Geriatric Travel Times! SO MUCH HALF-NAKED OLD ASS, sun-bathing and making out! I choose to hang out a lot in the room, watching telemundo shows consisting of hot chicks slapping young dudes in the face for a futbol prize packs. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS... Cancun with a heater at the knees for strike two!
At least I got comp tickets into the club next door... REWIND, so there were these two skanky chicks. One obviously had fake boobs; the other one had one of those pug noses that are only cute before you hit puberty, so these individuals grow up bitter having hit their pretty peak before they even had pubes. They were prancing around something serious, and I knew that these were the type of girls that guys come to Cancun for. Easy Peasy Japanesey!
So I get into the club for free with drink passes only to enjoy the dulcet tones of Lady Gaga wanting to ride something that doesn't even exist (you're either talking about a dick or a disco ball- choose one) and seeing girls have an ass-shaking contest on stage... FYI, the black girl won.
But immediately my attention is caught by Pug Nose making out like a like a cure for mono exists and Booby being catered to by two young Mexican dudes! I like being right. Puggy gets up with her prince charming and they go to the woman's restroom. I'm like, this is getting good, so I post-up (LITERALLY ON A POST) next to the bathroom exit... 10 mins, 15 mins, 20 mins... no sign of them, I need to go to el bano myself, but I need resolution. BLAMO! Security drags the two classy asses out! Dude's zipper's down and his shlong is hanging out! HEY, I WOULDN'T HAVE LOOKED BUT HE CAME OUT FIRST (I think)! Anyway the chick is sloppy- saying shit like, "My daddy's gonna kick your ass!" to the security guard. I go out for a stogie to see the rest of the action. Security makes our little pug-nosed princess take a seat, and then Body by Fake comes stumbling out. "Jessica!" she drunkenly spouts. Booberella takes out a phone and makes a call. Ten minutes later, an old white dude in his 50s angrily approaches, his Tommy Bahama shirt almost as red as his face! "God damn it, Deb! You were supposed to be watching her!" He then kisses, as we assume now, his fake-boobed wife! And picks up his, as we assume now, daughter in a fireman's carry. Unbeknownst to him, we can all see her underwear as he walks away with her. Homerun for me!
Daddy Dearest earns my vote for White Trash Father 2009. He brings his trophy wife and daughter to Cancun to bond, and gets livid when baby girl whores out and is shocked that his attention whore wifey wasn't more responsible! Sign me up in the "Never Doing This Shit Again" column.
That is Cancun, one more thing check off the pre-30 bucket list, and revenge is best served... for free, buffet-style and accompanied by freak shows or Mariachis!
Oh, and the wedding was beautiful by the way!
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