Don't get Blind Sided by this crap...

Thank God for white women!

In the new Sandra Bulluck movie "The Blind Side" we see yet another "heart warming" film dealing with african-americans and sports... thanks Hollywood for always comin' with new interesting ideas! If you haven't seen the the trailer yet, I'll describe this white guilt laden extravaganza! A sassy southern white woman that "just don't take no mess" sees a gargantuian black kid walking in the cold on the side of the road. So what does she do? Of course she gives him a ride... Normally that would be the conceit in a horror film, but in this case it all works out for the best. We learn in the trailer that the young black kid has... NEVER HAD A BED! Well Sassy Sandy don't like that not one bit! They ask Big Black to live with them. They get him a tutor and put him, not in honors classes (cause of course he can barely read), THEY PUT HIM ON THE FUCKING FOOTBALL TEAM. Why? You know, cause he's a big black kid and they are good at sports n' shit! But wait he's not good at reading or blocking on the o-line, WHA WHA WHA! How could this be? Big Black is also having issues with the gang bangers back home, UH-OH, what can Sassy Sandy do about that? Well she's more than just a frail figured woman with a big mouth! She struts her sassy ass down to that hood and tells the gang banger, "You threaten my son, you threaten me!" This film is based on a "true story" yet at this point in the trailer we don't see Sassy Sandy get SHOT IN THE FUCKIN FACE! She struts off to tell Big Black in football practice to look at the quarterback and play like he's protecting her, CUT TO HIM BEING THE BEST OFFENSIVE LINEMAN OF ALL TIME!!!

FUCK THIS MOVIE isn't the right thing I'm looking to say, but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

All in all, this shit is really getting old, and the fact that someone is proud of making a film that deals with numerous racial, gender, and class stereotypes with no maturity or depth (pretty much kid-gloves) is an ongoing problem in film since it's creation. Don't give a dollar to this flick, but if you want to watch good cinema with African-Americans that aren't as stereotypical go see Antwone Fisher, Soul Food, Cadence, or even the 1968 Night Of The Living Dead, all much more powerful and under-appreciated.

Chick Flicks For Humans With Dicks

I recently had the joy of watching some great chick flicks, and now realize it's the best way for guys to appreciate guy-dom. The first occurrence was with my friend Arian. We waited for 45 minutes for a free screening of "Failure to Launch", and followed that up with Hot Wings at Hooters, equilibrium!

In NY, it was a lovely little furburger-fest with my boy Matt. A film by the name of "Over Her Dead Body", starring Paul Rudd and Eva Longoria, tickled our pinks during the humid Saturday afternoon. This masterpiece was about a guy whose GF is killed. She later comes back to earth to haunt the new chick that he is now interested in... oh did I mention, the new chick can talk to the dead! THIS IS HIGH CONCEPT AT IT'S BEST! Rudd's new girl reads tarot cards by day and has a catering business by night, WELL DUH, SHOW ME A WOMAN THAT DOESN'T. Jason Biggs is in the role of a lifetime, playing a dude that is so in love with the seance loving chica (yup, the same one that Rudd likes) that he has been faking gay for 5 years just to be around her. In his defense I think the chick's panoch spouts gold and gives you real-time sports updates! In the end, the dead Eva Longoria sees the error of her ways and lets living dogs lie, with a beautiful moral of "the only constants in this world are death and taxes" shining through (well there ain't much in the flick about taxes, but it's a cool quote from a dead guy so I wanted to use it).

Last night I saw a great little ditty called "The Proposal" pretty much starring Betty White. Yeah Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds are in it, but it's pretty much the Betty White show... HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT DIRECTOR ABLE TO PITCH A BETTY WHITE DRIVEN PIECE IN HOLLYWOOD (assuming it's not the year 1945)? I don't know, but we should give her and the guy who pitched George Clooney as Batman a special "kick in the nuts award of bravery" at every Oscars. The whole point of Poor-posal is Sandy B is a B(itch), and R squared is her push-over assistant who has to marry her. WHY YOU ASK? To keep her from being deported and for him to get a promotion, silly pants! Think "The Visitor" but written by a 12 year-old. How do I know this movie isn't meant for guys?
1) It's about a fucking cougar, and she's not just getting young dick and happy for it, she actually wants to marry the guy.
2) It has a scene where a fat Mexican stripper dances for old white ladies in a honky-tonk bar in Alaska.
3) It has another scene where an unbelievably cute dog gets picked up by a hawk and Sandy B has to catch it (BUT ULTIMATELY FALLS DOWN AND LOOKS STUPID, WAKA WAKA WAKA!)
4) The pinnacle for me was the scene where Bullucks has to do an indian dance to Lil' Jon's, "Get Low" (which I'm sure every mid-30s successful Canadian book editor knows word for word as shown here!).

It just seems to me that a lot of girls hate horror as a genre because it's so formulaic and character choices make no sense. Yet chick flicks follow the same archetypes, and seemingly stop any semblance of plot just to tell the audience a joke (or show them a stupid slapsticky aside). Plus they throw on bullshit fairy tale endings that are just as convoluted as psychopathic killers who take out a camps filled with hot half-naked co-eds! SO, If your feeling bad about your relationship and lack of career success, my advice to you... drink heavily, call your best dude-bro friends over and engage in wasting two hours of your life with a chick flick... if you're really hardcore do the entire first season of Gossip Girl with your old high school football team!